seventy.

i think conversations start out like old skin.

like callused skin.
rough & worn.
[hi. howareyou. mydaywasgood.]
if we are brave enough
we slough it off.
we find underneath our brand new skin
raw & honest & tender.

did i mention that i had a Mac?
i do now. i am the co-owner of a MacBook [tai owns the other half].
everyone always tells me that they are so great and so easy, but it really does take some getting used to. i feel as if i like it just because everyone tells me i should.
but i'm sure i will like it at some point for serious, when i stop trying to run it like it's a Dell.
it's like back in olden times when i would wear ambercrombie or whatnot clothes that were far too small/big, just because they were THE brand.
ok, so maybe not quite like that... [but sort of].

i rode on the train this week. i love train rides. while looking out my smudgy window, i saw a deer lying in the snow next to the tracks. it was so sudden i almost thought i'd imagined it. the deer looked so calm and composed. unfazed. as if she watches the 1:35 train to Chicago everyday. I wrote this piece of information down in my journal as noteworthy, and also tried to change the shape of my E's, but was not satisfied in the least.
While leaning against the train window, i began to think of what else has touched my window. There are the nose smudges & snot from a four year old, craning and pressing his pudgy face to the glass to see the city. Also, the drool of the drunk man who fell asleep on the train last Saturday with his head resting on my window [i wonder why he was drunk]. Fingerprints are scattered from those people who point at interesting sights [i wonder what they were pointing at?]. To my window I added sock residue & prints, because i propped my feet up there.

[the thing is: i'm not afraid. & that is just the best and worst thing.]

At work this morning a couple sat at a table hardly talking. The buzzer on the oven went off and they both jumped, partially because it scared them, and i think partially because they were eager for the distraction from the silence that separated them. it was sad.
but the music was good this morning, and the business was relatively slow. we got a mad rush at one point [a mad rush equals about 5 people], and the first man came in and boisterously ordered "the biggest-ass hot chocolate" we could make.
look at the menu, buddy. it's called a large.
We've had two English accented people, both women, who ordered during my shift. i loved them.

why can't i stick with capitals or not capitals? i swerve back and forth between them like mad.

have you read/heard of the book "The Shack?" Thoughts?

i found a book on Ireland for 4 dollars. what a steal! my fellow purchased it for me, and then later drove it all the way to the train station 5 minutes before my train to drop it off for me, so that i could read it on the way home. he is nice. [although i didn't read it but merely clutched it the whole way back. i was too terrified to do anything because i thought that i was going to get kicked off the train because i had no money. no worries, i made it safely home and was not arrested upon arrival as i feared.]

i took a power nap today. i love power naps.
i also cleaned out my attic a little. i found some really lovely fashion trends that i thought were cool when i was sixteen or so. i'm not sure why i kept these. i have a creeping suspicion it was because i thought i might wear them again. well, they are going now. i also found an old script that kevin wrote, a take off of the matrix. i was to play vera. apparently the movie fell apart [or they filmed it without me], but in the script i was supposed to do an eyebrow raise with just one eyebrow, and i practiced that very diligently. it's really the only reason that i can do it today. this script is the only reason that i subconciously whipped out the one eyebrow for my license picture and effectively made sure that i would not suffer from vanity on account of that photograph.

this is longer than i had planned. why must i prattle on?

sixty.nine.

there are days with weights

not often

but sometimes.

kanoa just burped in my face and it smelled like death.

sometimes when i read poetry, i feel like it's written in a whole different language, but it's a language that i get. 

does that make sense?

maybe not.

i need to make a new hat. my fellow says that i am big on hats, and i suppose that this is true. there's just something so comforting about a hat. 

[just like there is something so comforting about peanut butter sandwiches.]

it's funny how sometimes i find comfort in different things. 

sometimes i find comfort in being alone

totally solitary and quiet. 

feeling so small.

it's comforting.

[why?]

other times it's when i'm with someone

or someones. 

it's comforting to be close and near. 

maybe: something so simple as a presence.

isn't it always the simplest? 

[why?]

well for now i'll just hold it at arms length.

you could take it if you tried.

kanoa just threw up. gross.

i had a question. shoot.

sixty.eight.

you know who has just stellar songs/lyrics? bob dylan.

you will be sad to find out that E.T. head man from my new job was let go.
i was sad to discover this
and also a little relieved.
imagine if we had to open the store together?
although i'm pretty sure i could take him if he tried to attack me and lead me back to the mother ship, it would be an interesting experience.
my dad saw him and thought he looked like someone off of a sexual predator list.
is this mean?
i apologize.
it's true though. you don't know until you've seen him. you would be thinking the same thing.

i am drinking mint hot chocolate with a biscotti. it is very nice. also, the ice maker is tapping out a beat, tapping along with the shins. it sounds like someone is locked in my freezer.

i start work at 5:30am tomorrow and also thursday and friday, which means i have to wake up at 4:30. this is ridiculous. i rarely go to bed before midnight. how am i going to live my life? 5:30 is probably going to be my regular shift, too. when will i ever sleep? in order to get my 8 hours of sleep i will have to go to bed at 8:30. i know four-year olds who go to bed later...

sometimes i find myself comparing my life to the lives of others too often. who they are with and who they know. where they go. what they do. what they wear. what they say and think.
if i just stop and think of it, i know that i have a really grand life, and need not size it up to yours.

i just ate another biscotti.

hey now. let's play the song over again.
i'd rather not go just yet.

sixty.seven.

i have now seen the ocean.

[ok, well technically it's the gulf, but i do believe that it's enough of the same for me to say that i've seen the ocean.]

also, dolphins. and pelicans.

this is really knocking some big things off of my list of things to do before i die. 

i can no longer crinkle my nose because i am sunburned.

this is a delicious feeling for january 5th. :]]