one hundred. thirty three.

Lately I have been enjoying wine a little bit more.
I've never been much of an alcohol person, in any way. But I've always wanted to be a wine person, or a I-brew-my-own-beer person. You know? It just seems like one of those things that interesting people do. I could be interesting. I could like wine.
Note:: The wine I have been enjoying has been something on the sweeter side, more of a grownup grape juice. I'm going to count it anyway.

This has been a week of dynamic proportions. Started work, had auditions, callbacks & casting for the show, looking for a car [unsuccessful], etc...last night I got 3 hours of sleep. Now it's 8:40 at night and I am still kicking, no nap involved. Strangely, since I've been home from camp in July I've been totally failing at power napping. Usually I excel at a decent power nap. Now I can only occasionally nap, and only when I'm riding in the car [I'm like a baby when it comes to car rides, out like a light]. This is mildly distressing, I have no idea what's happened to me.

I love a good train ride, but do not like being confronted by a drunken guy on the train. Today, on the way home, a jolly man stopped on his way back from the lavatory to ask me what book I was reading. Unfortunately he was too intoxicated to actually understand me. When I told him it was a book on doctrine [it really was, I know that sounds suspiciously like me trying to conceal that I was reading a romance novel...] he bellowed: "WHAT?! DOCTRY?!" loud enough for the whole train to hear. Thank you drunk man.

Here is what I want:
I want a plate of Eggo waffles.
I want to write down everything.
I want to know what to do now.

one hundred. thirty two.

in short, it's been rough.

the fellow and i are no longer the fellow and i.

it's just the fellow

and i.

you see?

i could go into all of the melodramatic details

in which i become everything typical & cliche about a breakup

[days in pajamas, ice cream sandwiches, sad songs & all that]

but i will practice some self-control.

instead i will say that after all of that

i crawled out of my little pit of self-pity

& the sun was shining.

so, thats good.

i have started back at work, which is grand.

also started choreographing a show

[which i should be working on right now]

which is also grand.

reading some books

finished some other books.

2 books you should think about reading:

The Prodigal God [Timothy Keller]

Food Inc. [A collection of fascinating essays]

I also worked my way through 2 mystery novels which I feel a little bit of guilt about, but only a little bit because they were actually so fun to read.

Guilty pleasures that are good:

A mouthful of whipped cream

Mystery novels

Hours spent on etsy.com

Guilty pleasures that are bad:

Facebook stalking

Impulse buying on etsy.com

Brownies for breakfast

Alright, really going to go & work on dances now.

you go & listen to strict joy by the swell season, tell me how much you love it.

one hundred. thirty one.

I have just devoured my body weight in whole-wheat blueberry/walnut pancakes.
[i love breakfast for dinner. it seems so rebellious.]
I am also waiting for my zucchini bread to come out of the oven.
I'm convincing myself that zucchini bread is healthy because it comes from zucchini from our garden. Let's forget about the 83 cups of sugar that went into it, shall we?
I'm also trying to convince myself that all of this overeating is completely fine because I worked out for an hour this morning and then for lunch had a spinach salad. The workout was from a workout DVD, one of those aimed for the slightly larger folk who need to lose weight, which makes it all the more disconcerting that I was struggling to keep up. We'll disregard the implications presented by the fact I was having trouble keeping up with a portly person workout DVD.

Bread is out. Did I bake it for too long?? Shooot.

I think I have a loose tooth. I'm 22 and I'm still losing baby teeth. Loving this.
Just wiggled it. Yup. Definitely loose. It kills now.

Tai & mom are watching a movie in the other room, so I should go & join them. I should also multitask and write the fellow a letter. Last night I tried to multitask and crochet a sock while watching "The Young Victoria." The movie = super good. The sock = dismal failure.
& so it goes.

one hundred. thirty.

the more I read Annie Dillard, the more I want to read.

the more i want to write, too.

Not anything in particular. just to write is enough. just to recall and put down various bits & pieces.

the more i think on it, the greater my resolve grows.

[but how far my resolve is from my carrying out!]

i struggle now & then & now with what defines me

is it you?

is it what i make of myself?

my work?

my music?

the people who call me friend

& what they think of me?

these words, even?

i forget that "in Him we live, and move, and have our being."

He is what defines me.

& His glory is my aim.

To that purpose, then, pressing forward.

one hundred. twenty nine.

the days move a little slower, now. it feels like molasses just stretching out, sticky in this heat.
at camp the days moved quickly, i was moving on to the next thing the moment i finished something else. if i had free time i had few options: pee, write a quick letter, read a little bit of my book, hang with the rest of the staff.

i've been home alone these past few days. good time to get things done, not always the motivation to follow through. things look so idyllic in my head, before i know it i'm planning on making fresh bread for dinner & i still haven't gotten dressed yet.
i've been able to follow through on some things. made some meals. cleaned the house over, including purging things from my room. finished a hat. did some odd jobs for my dad. checked the mail/facebook/my phone constantly for any word from the fellow. you know, all that stuff.

i have successfully handled most of the issues tied up with duncan, a.k.a. calling the car repair man to verify his death, calling the junkyard in the area to make sure they would take it, called the car repair people again to fill them in and make sure i didn't have to drive all the way up to green bay to settle things. things went over relatively smoothly, especially because of the situation in general.

here are my current options for getting a car:
1. buy a cheap car
2. buy an expensive car and make payments for a few years
3. make do without a car, save that money so that i don't have to make payments later on.
4. make do without a car, blow that money on a trip through Europe.
...the options are endless.

tomorrow is the last day with the family from Tennessee, then visiting an artsy little show that my Dad is participating in. should be an exciting day.
blegh. this post feels dull and insipid. i'm going to eat oreos & drink milk & not write another word.

[except, is it too repetitive to describe this as dull and insipid considering it means basically the same thing? i feel like i do that quite a bit. i'm just really making a point...]

one hundred. twenty eight.

I found him.
I wasn't looking for him, but he came into my life just the same.
I tried to escape him but he kept popping up
just behind me
right next to me
walking in front of me
he was inescapable.

Perhaps I should explain:
one of my biggest pet peeves is nose breathers.
heavy nose breathers.
recently i met the biggest heavy nose breather that exists under the sun.
the volume and force that he was able to use to while nose breathe was astonishing, really.
if it didn't make me cringe i might have been able to be impressed.
it was almost as if he had two noses doing the job.

anyways. that is nowhere near the biggest news in my life, but it was something i felt i needed to share. everything else is typical. i love my family, for instance, as i've just spent many days with all my extended family. crazy, to say the least. but also fantastic.
also: my car, hugo duncan, is dead. anyone want to sell me their gently used car?

one hundred. twenty seven.

Back home!

It's good being back home. It's not good hearing radio music again. That was the first thing that logged in my brain as something I didn't miss, specifically hearing Lady Gaga. Did not miss Lady Gaga. Other things I didn't miss: our cat, Gilbert, who decided to pee on Taylor as a welcome home gift. Who could ask for anything more?

Typical of my life, the adventure back home was anything but normal & easy. Duncan [my car] decided to poop out and die somewhere on the outskirts of Green Bay. Taylor and I sit for 5 hours at a diner with a 7 dollar fruit plate featuring canned peaches & pineapple, followed by a table at a classy BP station, being serenaded by country music.

Thankfully, we pooped out right next to all of this wonderment and also by a car repair place instead of in the middle of the UP with no cellphone reception. So, long story short, nobody died because of the country music, Chris came & picked us up, and the car repair place took my car and will do their best to bring Duncan back to life. The chances are looking slim.

pros & cons of duncan dying:

pro - more train time. i love the train.

con - riding in my mom's car, eunice, when we can't take the train. no air conditioning, no sun roof. today was literally the hottest day of the year.

pro from that situation - stopping by culvers for ice cream.

con from that situation - i realized i need to begin my work out routine again.

to be honest, i miss camp. i miss the boy. i miss the people i might never see again for the rest of my life. however, the transition to home life went much better this year. i was able to put all of my bags away and do 2 loads of laundry my first day home. this is extremely rare. usually i mope about and spend my time wondering what camp people are doing, or crying because it's oatmeal morning and i am eating apple jacks. now i am enjoying my apple jacks and my time here, seeing friends & family and my dearest kanoa again. things move back to normal so quickly. taylor bakes cookies. kanoa needs to go outside. we eat dinner at the table. my father and i share a mild argument about the meaning of a phrase, is it right or wrong. kanoa wants to play. the dryer is still broken so i hang my laundry outside. it begins to rain. life moves along.

it's getting late. i should sleep.