one hundred. twenty six.

I love when people really truly think that I am lying when I say I'm 21.

I love when the 40 year old lady who cuts my hair tells me I need to get out & live on my own, be my own person before I settle down. Need to figure out how to not rely on anyone.

It's sad when being lonely is bad, but so is relying on other people.

It's not good to be alone. Even when I most struggle with my independent streak, in the deepest depths of my inner self I really don't want to be too alone & self-reliant. It's good for a time but is short lived.

Went to a She & Him concert yesterday.

FREE.

Not a whole lot of better sentences than free she & him concert.

Free she & him concert in the city.

Free she & him concert in the city with friends.

It doesn't get much better.

I am a huge fan of she & him, their music just makes me want to bop around & sing loud & drive barefoot. Run screaming through some field or something.

Mostly bop around though.

[look them up!!]

This particular concert happened to have all of the unique people that you happen to pass on the street in one location. Seriously. Everyone that I have ever passed & said: "Wow, that is a neat looking person." They were all gathered together.

Funny thing when all of those people stand together.

Everyone looks fairly typical.

[similar to the show at the metro, but 10x more.]

Days are numbered until I leave for camp.

I am all of anxious/hesitant as well as excited/impatient. Prayerful & hopeful too. Hopeful but objective? Realistic? We'll see.

However: packing is currently nearly non-existent. Tomorrow I will do all final laundry & that should give me a good drop kick into it. Maybe.

Last day of work was last week. It was actually pretty sad. I am really going to miss the fellow baristas/customers SO MUCH. I feel bad missing out on their summers. I'm so used to talking to them almost every day, I'm so connected to a lovely small group of commuters. Every morning I have the opportunity to wish them well, which is a surprisingly wonderful task to fulfill. My two favorite customers are an old couple, Bill & Dee, and they gave me hugs before I left & told me they loved me. Just the sweetest old couple.

I just looked at the clock. 10:30??

I was supposed to go to bed early tonight. Drat. Still need to bag up my laundry.

Suppose that's it for tonight, then. Sleep well. :]] Be grateful you are not here because my dog is farting up a storm. It is extremely pungent, I am unable to breath.

one hundred. twenty five.

she & him concert: 7 days.

leave for camp: 12 days.

shopping for camp done: none.

packing for camp done: none.

days left of work: 4 [this is indeed bittersweet. i love my job.]

i have decided to no longer say that i'm going to do something. when i say that i am going to do something, it never actually happens. instead, i will wait until after i do something & then simply announce that i did it. or not. just keep it a secret. or just tell you.

for instance:

said that i would go to ireland.

said that i would get my nose pierced.

said that i would be married by 19.

never ever happened.

maybe if i don't speak them aloud, they'll happen.

one hundred. twenty four.

tell me your secrets & ask me your questions

oh let's go back to the start

running in circles, coming up tails

heads on a science apart

nobody said it was easy

it's such a shame for us to part

nobody said it was easy

no one ever said it would be this hard

[oh take me back to the start]

one hundred. twenty three.

this post has a good title.
123
good number.
brings to mind classic Michael Jackson songs.

today I did no driving but felt very compelled to.
sometimes i'll be driving on the highway
or tollway
or any road, really
and just feel the urge to not stop
or not turn to get to my destination
but to just keep going.
this urge is, at times, weak.
more of a whimsical thought, really.
at times it is stronger
most strong.
my hands tingle a little.
i might just do it.
[but I never follow through].
today it was a screaming command
blaring in my head
so much so that if i did
i might very well be headed straight for Tennessee right now
with no intention of coming back soon.
that's exactly where i wanted to go, too.
it was just one of those days.
a driving day.
a crazy day, really.
i just wanted to do something crazy.
after I pushed driving to Tennessee from my mind I contemplated getting my nose pierced.
Nope. Too scared to do it alone.
When I ran out of crazy ideas that I won't do but want to
I put my jogging clothes on
& did something super crazy.
Ran a whopping 2 miles
came home
worked out some more.
Look out, this girl is completely bonkers.

So, it's 8:00 now
I made some cookies
Put on a flannel
[wishing I was 6 hours closer to Tennessee.]

one hundred. twenty two.

Most Monday mornings I ask customers how their weekend was.

All of the senior citizen customer interpret that question to have a hidden meaning of "Please inform me of all the pains afflicting your body."

Oh. And they do.

Will that be me one day?

There are many good things in life.

One of them is definitely singing "In My Place" the live 2003 version while driving with the sun roof open.

Thanks to my musical theater upbringing, I have swallowed the idea of "If you can't find words to express yourself, sing about it." It's quite vexing because for the first time I am finding myself without a song to channel my emotions through. At happy or trying or pensive or funny times of my life - a song. I've found a song. Very perplexing to be a in a place with no song.

Then, i was singing "In My Place" and found it pretty fitting. So that's it. For now.

What else?

I feel a little bit like the disciples in the boat, the storm raging around. Not enough faith so I'm a little frightened. There is a plan & reason, it's just outside my line of sight.

[please, calm this storm.]

Plenty of things to look forward to:

free she & him concert

the 5k [yes!!]

a wedding

blissful weeks up at camp

I just finished reading Brave New World & just started Amusing Ourselves To Death, which is a fantastic book pairing to read one right after the other. To say that it was interesting would barely begin to describe my thoughts. There is honestly just too much to take in & muddle over. I did read Brave New World once in the past but this read through showed some startling comparisons to the society in the book & to our own. That's basically what Amusing Ourselves to Death is about as well, kind of asking the question - What if Huxley was right? Fascinating.

It's time for a mid-afternoon bowl of cereal. I love cereal.

I really need to update this more....

one hundred. twenty one.

it's a friday night.

i am 21.

my plans are:

run

do taxes with my mom and brother

crochet

read my book

maybe watch a movie

what a lamewad.

one hundred. twenty.

worked at the restaurant today.

i love this weather and how

all the business people near my work take their lunch breaks

to walk around, down the street

their nice pants & blazers flapping in the breeze.

they look a little out of place

walking around in clean, pressed work clothes

in dirty streets,

patterned ties not staying but flying up in mens faces.

ladies tugging fitted pencil skirts down.

when they arrive to eat lunch at the restaurant

& come to place their order

i notice that those tight-lipped accountants & worried assistants

have smoothed the lines on their foreheads,

managing a brief smile.

Running has been going pretty well.

Every time i bring up running to a friend their response is something along the lines of

"Running is simple, i am amazing and could run for 72 hours straight without stopping."

This makes me question my entire life.

I honestly had no idea running could be so easy for some people because for me it's really just super challenging. & always has been. I used to be fast when I was younger, but then we only had about 4 neighbors in Wisconsin to compare to. Now it's honestly just mind blowing when I think of average, everyday friends being able to run lengthy distance or extremely fast times. It's as if they are telling me they are capable of time travel or something.

Even some old guy who is a customer at work told me he runs a 10k pretty regularly. And he is OLD.

Speaking of time travel, I recently watched The Time Travelers Wife, which also made me question my life.

Not seriously, but that movie was just so sad. I thought it was going to be terrible, like the first chapter or so of the book that I struggled through before I gave up. But not at all. Firstly, I am a fan of that actress [Rachel something?]. Secondly, I just experienced many heart-wrenching moments while watching. Also, I was strangely elated to hear the voice of the fellow when he called after the movie was over, because I knew we were both stationed quite firmly in time & not liable to suddenly relocate to forty years in the future.

Another life evaluation topic would be how I am reading "Crazy Love" and enjoying it much more than I ever thought I would & how it's making me think a lot about how I spend my time, where I put my money and how I treat my family/friends/everyday people I come in contact with. Read it so that we can talk about it & you can tell me what you think.

It's late. I need to run tomorrow before I visit a book sale with my sister, so I need to get up at a decent time.

Tomorrow is Saturday.

I wish I was 10 and still pumped for Saturday Morning Cartoons.