forty.one.

[let's pretend we're in the middle of a conversation, and i am filling you in on what you've missed.]
::note:: i don't talk exactly like this in real life speaking.

but truly and honestly, a lack of sleep and a great increase in driving time has lead to a certain amount of extra thinking time.
this extra thinking time has brought interesting results, including:
moments of great peace
moments of great anger
moments of happiness that my horn doesn't work in my car, because of furious pounding
more peaceful moments.
also whilst driving this dragon came down
hovered over my car
but then flew on, destroying small villages.
don't worry, no one was harmed...

[that was a good conversation, thanks. i left out a lot, and then started rambling. i wasn't sure if you were listening.]

my middle name is hope.
i try and live up to it.
lately i've been discovering that i need to rearrange where i place hope.
[forgive, in advance, an overabundance of girlish fancies.]
here is what i hope for, mostly--
a marriage and family and a home [perhaps a vacation home in Ireland].
and all the promise and struggles that holds.
it's just about that simple.
and if i'm having a down day, or feeling wretched i'll console myself with this idealistic vision of my future.
and if i'm unsure and unstable, i'll remind myself what is waiting for me, if only i have patience.
i know this is what i want. i know this is what i've always wanted. whatever else shifts and changes, this remains constant.
this is really awful, and you will laugh at this. if you don't, you should, because it's pure silliness. ok... at the end of pirates 3 [i know] she sits and scans the horizon and waits for his ship to come in. [there we go - now wait for my comparison]. i like that. i figure that's me, at this point. and i feel like that, like i want to sit and wait for signs of your sail out on the water.
i've touched on this. the waiting game.
what am i waiting for?

the other day i was talking to my dad, and he was going on about a somewhat-usual topic, on the world and how we're headed for destruction, and how easily marriages fall apart, and how worried he is for us. and i tell him that it all sounds rather hopeless. and he says that it's not, because we as Christians simply place our hope in Christ, that is where our hope lies.
at the time, i was all: good story dad.
but then thinking later on it, i realized that i've been placing my hope in this really flimsy dream of my future, laying out my own path. and even though i feel like God has ordained me for this purpose, to be a wife and mother, combined with artsy bohemian gypsy, i can't really know/wait on that. you know? [although i will continue with artsy bohemian gypsy-esque portrait, man or no.]
and i think the reason why i've been beating up on my steering wheel and feeling rather hopeless and forlorn at times [though i don't want to make it sound like this has been me for the past few weeks, because there really have been some glorious times, a.k.a. whenever i'm at shows] is because all of my hope being channeled into this idea or vision that is non-existent.

i've been reading psalm 27 for a while now, and somehow never noticed the last verses:
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And he shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
[exclamation point]

well. what am i waiting for?

-christina