one hundred.three.

I am one of those people who like instant results.
At least when it comes to workouts.
I'll get a good sweat going for about 35 minutes, eat a salad, then wake up the next day expecting to see an entirely new me & a new number on the scale.
Despite how many times this has failed I'm still vaguely disappointed when I get up and absolutely nothing has changed.

This quote basically describes my life right now:
"As a life's work, I would remember everything - everything, against loss. I would go through life like a plankton net." Annie Dillard
I might have posted this already. Why do I feel as if I've posted this already.
If I have, forgive the repetitive themes.
I just haven't been recording and catching everything as much, but life continues sailing whether I write it down or not. I hate that feeling, because then when I forget things it's almost as if it never even happened.
Feeling certain that I've said that before. Or read it.

Despite things flying by, they've been lovely things.
Celebrated one year with the fellow. Can't decide if it feels longer or shorter than that.
Still remember when we sat down on the dock at camp, five feet apart because we were just a little scared of each other but wanted to be near. Reminds me of that Joshua Radin song "I'd Rather Be With You," just that first verse because it talks about sitting on the dock & it's raining & we both had things to say. Then months later & sitting at Harper with more things to say. A little over a year ago.
We went to a nice restaurant and both said we felt like we were waiting for our parents. They sat us in these plush chairs where basically our chins made it over the table. Kind of a funny scenario for celebrating one year of dating, feeling like we were 12.

Anyhow. What else? Show is almost ready. I miss dancing.

3 guys who don't have jobs collectively tipped me 20 dollars at work. It was the saddest and sweetest thing, made me want to cry. Here I am hoarding my money and ungraciously demanding paybacks when they who have nothing tip me outrageously just for making them their tea. Lessons learned.

Direct quote from customer: "So, are you going to go back to school or just going to get knocked up and have a kid?"
1. who says that?!
2. there seems to be a general vibe that I'm getting that unless I go to school, I am doing nothing with my life, and also have nothing to talk about. Friends who go to school talk about school. When I'm not going to school, it seems a mouthful to ask "How are you? How's life?" because I can't respond with stories about outrageous teachers, or late night parties, or comparisons on lack of sleep.
I try and tell myself that my life has value whether I go back to school and get a degree or not. Just because I don't get a degree doesn't automatically make me a failure, right? When adults/peers push that on me, I honestly don't know what to say. I don't know exactly where my life is headed or where I'll be next year or five years. But just because I'm not working towards that doesn't mean I'm not working towards other goals, that my life isn't brimming with details like any other life.
You know?

On a lighter & brighter note:
guess who
is seeing
THE SWELL SEASON
in Chicago?
---->

ME!
[with father & sister]
so extremely joyous.
And on Dec. 4th!
the city will all be lit up...

one hundred.two.

I obtained a good amount of excellent music this week, including the new Decemberists album, Monsters of Folk album & the new David Gray album. I'm so excited to drive to work now, such wonderful new music to listen to. The thing with the Decemberists album is that it's a complete story from beginning to end, so I feel I must do it justice & listen to it in its entirety, at least at first. Thursday morning gave me an excellent opportunity to just do that, seeing as I'm supposed to meet the manager at work at 5:30 to go in and open up before the coffee shop officially opens at 6. I arrive early, 5:20, and listened to the album on the way over to work. The manager decides it would be a good morning to forget to set his alarm and doesn't arrive until 6:20, well after we're supposed to be open. So, good news, I got through the album. 

Have I mentioned that the fellow is back? No, probably not. But there, now I have & it's the truth, been back for a week now. It's wonderful. 

Felt as if I had fascinating story/hilarious tidbit/anecdote with profound implications to share. Am now feeling slightly muddled & can't quite remember what it was. Trying to think of it reminds me of grabbing for the light string in the closet in the early mornings. I turn on the closet light to find my work clothes at 4:30 in the morning. It's so dark & I'm so tired that I just swing my hand around back and forth, searching for the thin string that inevitably is hooked to the side or something. It's pointless. I should just go back to bed.