12.30.2008

sixty.six.

blech. espresso is gross.
i had to drink a lot today because i have a job working at a coffee house now.

crraaazzzy.

please let me tell you how insane my life is:
yesterday - walk into sweet little coffee house that actually works with farmers and works for fair trade and all that jazz/roasts their own coffee. ask if they are hiring. they say no. they say: another company is hiring close to here [closer to my casa], and training starts tomorrow. they share the same values as this coffee shop, and we train employees. you can fill out an application and drop it off tonight. see what happens.
me: ok.
i struggle to write my application out in my car for a while. i'm a dunce at filling out paperwork. my fellow comes and helps me finish writing it and we cavort around barnes & noble for a few minutes.
i drop it off. the lady asks me if i can interview tomorrow.
me: ok.

today: i walk in at 8:55 for my interview [that's right. five minutes early.] surprise! i'm hired, no interview. i begin training promptly at ten, after filling out more stupid paperwork. i drink espresso all day.
coffee is an art to these people.
me: i'm going to florida next week, i won't be here for the second week of training.
my new boss: that fine [she has an accent.] we just finish train when you come back. you have one on one train at sweet other little coffee shop.
me: ok.

downsides - i have to wear black pants, a polo and a baseball hat. just an idea: if you were trying to create a community and an atmosphere, wouldn't you want your employees dressing like normal persons? i think so. at the other sweet little coffee shop their dress code is "no crack in front. no crack in back." i think this is an admirable standard to live by, and my coffee shop should implement its simple charm.
other downsides - i have to drink a lot of espresso/potentially turn my teeth ugly colors.

upsides - strange blessing that i happened to ask about applications the day before training starts.
boss very easy-going about me missing a week of training.
20 minutes from my house.
good schedules.

upside/downside: i work with scary man with E.T. like head and major suck-up capabilities.
upside - touch of humor, alien presence.
downside - touch of oddness, alien presence.

this has been quite a day.

12.27.2008

sixty.five.

hey.
something that i find rankling
is that someone who says that they believe in the same God that i do
find themselves locked in their own world
surrounded by goodness
and happiness
and farce.

because
hey.
take a look at reality.
i'm sorry, but i just find myself thinking
that if you believe as i believe
shouldn't we
OPEN OUR EYES
?
i don't suggest or presume to say
that we should find ourselves locked and linked
immersed
in a world of sin.
but would it be so terrible to recognize?
to seek to understand?
to try and see our role in it?
and not a role that means sticking only with those who believe exactly as we do
but a role that means being willing to sacrifice comfort
and ease
and step outside of some box we put ourselves in?
it seems like i know people
/have met people
/have read books by people
who find it decent to cut themselves off.

well anyhow. i don't know where this came from.
it sort of crossed my mind.
i just think it's odd to be ignorant about things you disagree with
or with truths that are difficult to handle.
oh poop.

12.22.2008

sixty.four.

my friend got married on saturday.

she smiled so big that her eyes nearly disappeared.
it was very sweet. :]]
i really like it when people smile like that.

i think weddings are very dear. i used to want to be a wedding planner, so that i could just be around weddings all the time.
however, i do realize that brides could potentially be difficult people to be around.
so i will just attend as many weddings as possible. which is looking optimistic because many of my friends are getting married.
well, i would call them my friend. i understand i might have to be sacrificed because weddings can get expensive.
i'll just cross my fingers for invites. it would be smart for me to develop some wedding-worthy hobby, such as photography or video taping. or flower arrangements. then i could just skulk around and arrange flowers and watch the wedding from corners.
this is great idea.

i think that when i am a bride i won't be very difficult, actually.
i say this now. watch, i will probably be a horror.
but when i picture a vague idea of my wedding in my head, i just tend to think of things very differently. in general, this means a lackadaisical attitude towards such intricacies as seating arrangements and matching bridesmaids hair and the importance of shoes in any situation...
but i figure it's my wedding. if i choose to not stress over bridesmaids hair, then so be it.
am i right?
if you have enough brain power to think and plan that much, grand. your wedding will be visually stunning and coordinated.
maybe i'll forget to buy shoes. so be it.
this all seems completely logical to me.

12.21.2008

sixty.three.

beware the jabberwock.

i feel a little askew, she said.
what? why would she say that?
shhheeee
does not
know.

thursday: why was thursday such a great day?
i don't know.
i know the sunset was beautiful.
i almost crashed my car trying to get a good glimpse. thinking back, i should have just pulled over.
why didn't i just pull over?
i was driving and listening to the new music for winter by jadiid/the hudson branch. that was a good drive.
it's funny how the sunsets look cold in the winter. don't they? i think so.

i'm rereading the emily of new moon books. those books used to captivate me.
it's funny, because reading them again, i see some odd connection between "the flash" that emily experiences, and moments that c.s. lewis talks about in his book "surprised by joy."
both of these moments are sort of rooted in some mystical, mysterious sense.
i think it's fascinating.
confession: the emily books still sort of captivate me. i could [or should] be reading something much better. i haven't read a BOOK book in a while because of school. mostly i just flipped through things.
but now that i finally have time to sit down
and just
READ.
now i pick up emily of new moon.
by l.m. montgomery.
what a great book, though, to waste my time on.

i'm going to florida soon. :]]

anyhow, so thursday was a fantastic day, and i haven't felt so contented and blissful in a long while. i'm not really sure what spurred this.
perhaps partly because i had a fantastic talk with my papa on wednesday night till pretty late.
i can't even remember everything, but i just got into the car to drive home and was so full of....
something?
something wonderful and grand.
nowhere near jolly, or happy. nothing quite so base.
something content and peaceful and grateful.
like those three. stirred up.
also, it could have been spurred on because it was the first day that school was over.
now that it's over, i can look back and see that sometimes it a little rough to have to defend myself.
i dislike that a little.
i'm growing too used to it.

anyhow, it is late.
i should be off.

p.s. can we try and arrange it?
p.s.s. just checked my calender. december 21st officially two minutes ago! first day of winter. :]]

12.11.2008

sixty.two.

yesterday i went down to the locker room to change after my morning PE classes, and the little Asian girl and her mother weren't there.
it felt all wrong.
every morning after PE classes i go down to the locker room and the little girl and her mother are just finishing up swim class. the little girl stands just down the counter from me while i'm getting ready and her mom dries her hair and she asks her mom all sorts of questions. favorite questions include questions about God and questions about other people in the locker room who can hear what she asks.
i love kids.
i love kids & questions.
anyhow, but the old lady who dries her bangs in a big curl and wears burgundy lipstick outside of her lip line was still there, and she was merrily warbling some christmas tune.
i say warbling, because i really think that's the exact and only word that can be used to describe her voice.
think of old ladies singing.
doesn't it sound like warbling? it must.
it's not a bad thing, it's just their voice. it's a little richer, for one. a little shaky.
kind of warble-ish.

confession: i wish that picking noses was socially appropriate. but only for me, because i don't want to see other people picking their noses anywhere else but their cars. if they pick their nose in their cars, that's fine. everyone does that. especially older men.
is this TMI? i don't know. i was thinking about this yesterday. i would just like the freedom to pick my nose wherever i liked and be rid of social constraints regarding nose-picking.
i can't believe i'm writing this, but it's very true.
my mom just said that she would never tell someone that unless she had too much to drink. however, this means that she agrees, at least...

12.08.2008

sixty. one.

i like smaller font better, and it really rankles me that blogspot won't let me change the font from the previous entry to smaller. it bugs out everytime i try. this is stupid.

my house is freezing. i can hardly feel my fingers.

so i read some of a book called "in praise of slowness"
and then watched the movie called "a good year" last night [it has russell crowe in it, he inherits a vineyard in france and begins an amazing, simple life].
today i have a day at home.
i am thinking and wondering more and more of a simple lifestyle.
i wrote a paper for school on the kitchen table and how it reflects our culture in terms of what goes on it, who sits there, etc...
after researching the subject a bit, the whole paper took a really bleak turn:
a cultural reflection of the kitchen table-
the kitchen table today in 2008 reflects that families do not eat together and no on eats good, homemade meals anymore.
the end.
anyway, it was a really interesting paper [to me] and a really interesting topic, and this book, "in praise of slowness" discussed how there is a movement towards Slow Food [or good food, really].
it talked about this little place over in Europe where eating a meal can take four hours, and it has courses and different wines and the food is whipped up from scratch and made with fresh ingredients.
the book discussed the importance of slow food, that the buildup of the desire for speed in everyday life translates to how we eat food as well, and the kinds of food that we eat. how it's unnatural and unhealthy, and how spending time eating [especially eating with family/friends] is so beneficial. and how taking time to cook the food is super beneficial too.

oh, i wish that everything didn't come down to time & money.

i'm going to go and run on the treadmill to get warm. i'm slowly losing feeling in all of my limbs.

12.03.2008

sixty.

"Yellow expected as a bright spot for 2009

'Mimosa,' described as a vibrant shade of yellow, will be the most influential shade of 2009, according to a leading color source."

[got this on my news page. i knew it. yellow = awesome color. i knew it would have its day. my love for the color yellow is slightly spurred by my previous obsession with the song "yellow" summer 2007.]

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories

Staring out on to Grey Street
[dave matthews spells grey correctly.]

It's been too full, these past few weeks.
I will say that I love Thanksgiving and seeing my great-grandparents for the first time in years.
I will say that I love Pandora.com. Why did it take me so long?
I will say that I have yet to work on my final paper. I have various documents sitting on the computer right now, minimized so that I can forget about them and write this entry. As you can see, I have my priorities right in line.
I will say that my final scene is blocked for my acting class. This is excellent.
I will say that I am finished with my modern dance final and it went well. It went better than the really awkward modern dance of a boy in my class. He began by loudly stating that he didn't want to be recorded - twice. So, no one recorded him [i was very tempted]. He then proceeded to "dance" or walk around strangely for 2 minutes and 15 seconds [the dance was minimum of a minute. he could have saved us a minute fifteen seconds]. He also thought it appropriate to light up a fake cigarette with a real lighter as part of the dance. He ended by "killing himself." I will not say anything cheesy like: we all wanted to do the same.
I will say that we all did freak out a little when he pulled out the lighter. We thought he might set himself on fire for the sake of his art.

I have a new journal, a real journal. One of those moleskine ones. It's so smooth & cream-colored pages & smells nice.
I like cream colored pages much more. White works on skirts & shirts & snow but not on blank pages of a journal. Cream is for blank pages of a journal & old book pages & wedding dresses. I am convinced of this.

I will say that it's nice to have my brother around the house today and singing terrible renditions of Christmas carols.
I will say that I'm going to make myself a second cup of tea and begin on my paper. Dash it all.

[note this post was delayed in posting because of dumb-butt blogspot]

11.23.2008

fifty.nine.

wow.
it has been a long time since i've stayed up until six in the morning.
did that last night
or this morning
depending on how you look at it.
but it was a nice time. and i have a new teacup.
it has my initial on it. my Tina initial on it.
T on a teacup.
fantastic? i think yes.

this week:
ate tofu & seaweed for the first time. seaweed: pretty good. tofu: err... it was alright.
had a fantastic day at the art institute and then tripped on over to Lauren's house for a movie night, watching old shows. haha...
strike party [new teacup], staying up too late. saw the changeling, a good movie but so sad and miserable. not like "i'm going to cry" miserable, but more like "i'm going to go and jump off a bridge" miserable.
went thrifting. got some sweet things. i love thrifting!
had a dinner with my fellow. saw a play with my fellow.
am now sitting here and listening to mother and sister share their weekend stories.
what an exciting week!

music problem: solved.
i'll be dancing to "hoppípolla" by sigur rós [thanks to curt for this stroke of genius by suggesting sigur rós].
this is an excellent song. i have a week, i think, to choreograph.

1:02, folks. now is a good time for sleep time.

11.12.2008

fifty.eight.

& now modern dance teacher tells me that i can't do a song with lyrics.
soooooo "mad world" be out.
shoot.
song suggestions? anyone?
must be just music/spoken word/nature sounds/music in a foreign language, etc...
i have several ideas to fall back on. at this point basically just a song from "The Hours" because Phillip Glass is an excellent composer.
yes. it should be fine.

here's something sad: sunday we had the last show for Narnia.
i did get a little misty-eyed as i saw weeks of work by so many hands come to a close. honestly, it really was just a remarkable experience with some pretty remarkable people.
and that's all i have to say about that.

in other news, i had spaghetti tonight and it was grand.
also, my mind runs constantly of late.
[this is not new, but this running comes and goes a bit.]
it runs with new plans for spring and moving and reading and not reading and music.
ho hum.

i found the joy that is pandora radio.

i basically wasted my day today. it was a day at home. i bummed around too much.
my hair might be a different color, who knows?

what if i took piano lessons again?

11.11.2008

fifty.seven.

i think it's funny when people use an asterisk as a vowel in a four-letter word.
because that makes it so much better
& less like a four-letter word.
good one. way to keep it clean.

today i raked leaves for three hours. it started hailing and raining a little, that was fun.
usually i enjoy raking leaves
because there is the payoff of a huge pile to jump into afterwards.
however, the leaves were wet and sticky
and no longer smelled fantastic.
soooo... we didn't jump in the leaves.
we just raked them into neat piles on the side of the road.
our yard looks so barren now.

i lovelovelove days at home.
i cleaned my room! and halfway made my bed. and i found an old hat that i'd made [it's yellow]. and kit kittredge: story of an american girl is playing at precisely 8:00 on our television and i'm and just wriggling with excitement. also, i think we are having spaghetti for dinner, so it's just looking to be super fantastic. ALSO, i played the piano today, and wondered at why i ever quit because i really do enjoy it. i learned the first part of "mad world." i did. i might dance to that song for my modern dance final because it's just super to dance to.
although, now that i think of it, it's probably more fun to play the piano when i don't have to. that's probably why i quit. i just don't love it enough to be forced to play it.

i feel like a lot of people have been asking me lately what i'm going to do with my future.
i hate to disappoint, because i don't have any grand plans. just simple ones, ones that don't require a career and years and years of school and transferring and all of that.
i should start making things up.

11.10.2008

fifty.six.

things that would be neat:

photography. an airplane. a violin. a homemade quilt. a new hat. making use of the beads i bought. a consistent 8.3 hours of sleep every night. a foolproof workout plan. a croissant. a trip to the city. straight teeth.

things that currently are neat:
my dog. my boots. my dad's big socks on my feet. the smell outside. an early bedtime. a pint of ice cream. a boy. another weekend of shows. one month left of school. iron & wine. moving??

things that should be neater:
my room. my fingernails [i promise. one week - no biting my nails. i'm starting small.] my mind.

10.31.2008

fifty.five.

I think my Dad is somewhere near crazy, or has the potential to be really, truly mad.
He talks to his books like they are real people.

Dear Dad,
Books are inanimate objects that will not [and cannot] respond.
They do not take orders, such as "Stay."
When you say "Hello" they will not respond with similar greetings.
I hope you understand.
Love,
Tina.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure he can hear them talking back.....

It smells fantastic out.

I picked up a book of poetry the other day, and immediately saw the poem by Dylan Thomas "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night." I took a poetry class a few years ago, and one day in class my professor read that poem aloud. I loved listening to my professor read the poems aloud. He really lingered on every word, each word meant something, each word lead to the next.
I always got shy to read aloud, and would hide my face in my hand a little and rush through. But he was unabashed and loved every moment. I remember specifically this poem, he didn't look at the book very much because he knew most of it by heart. I remember his face was big and his voice was big and actually all of him was just big. Not fat, just laarrrggee. And his voice was booming and entreating and soft but still big. I loved hearing him read this poem, especially the last stanza. What a neat guy.

I watched Pride & Prejudice this morning whilst doing homework. What a great movie [even though Keira Knightley bugs me a little]. I just love how jaunty and dandy Mr. Bingley is, it makes me laugh. Just a really friendly man.
Speaking of homework, I should get back on that....

10.27.2008

fifty.four.

sociology teacher::
i feel like when i look at her eyes they're already almost dead.
we have things in common
but these things only highlight our differences.
like the fact that she only laughs a bitter laugh.
our world is so flawed, she only finds humor in the dark & depressing.
it's what consumes her.
she recognizes the flaws
& that things are not getting better
& won't
& will only worsen.
& in her eyes, this is it. she creates her own reality & truth & beauty.
so even as she creates it she knows that it is not real or true or beautiful.
she has nothing to look forward to
because what she does have to look forward to
working at the bar, writing letters of fury to Walmart, catching the Daily Show and hot, random hookups
it's all chasing after wind.
it's meaningless
"socially constructed."
what a sad life to lead. sad outlook to have.

CYT rehearsal this weekend was grand. it smelled like little kid farts and felt like sticky air-heads. it looked like matthew [very small, adorable child] improv dancing to Aslan's return song, and improv dancing like it's his last moments on earth. he's 8. he's fantastic. he asks lots of questions. i'm quite fond of this hilarious child.

after church on Sunday i went to go and study at Panera. Sunday was pretty windy. I put my english folder on top of my car to get the laptop out and the next second hundreds of pretty white essays and information sheets and scrawlings on lined paper tore out of the folder and flew quickly all over the parking lot.
ALL OVER.
and it was still windy, so i'm dashing about as quickly as possible and people are sitting in their cars laughing at me and one old lady starts helping me. we've each got a bajillion papers and it's still windy and some papers are still hiding underneath tires. she gives me my papers back and i collect the few others and put them back in their folder and some girl comes from around the corner with some more papers.
finally i go into panera and two people ask me if i got all of them.
that was just... very entertaining, i'm sure.
[actually. it was kinda funny.]

10.21.2008

fifty.three.

do you ever have those people where you look at them and wonder what they ever DO?
i mean, honestly.
what do you even DO with your life?
i know a few people like that.
i look at my life, and i've got a pretty good sense at how it all plays out
[considering i'm the one living it]
and friends and family, a lot of them i get it.
but some people
[mostly people i don't necessarily know as well, but some i do]
seem like they can't have hardly anything that makes up their life.
anyhow.
i was just thinking about that.
people who don't do anything.
people who don't do anything that i know about, that is.
so they probably do a whole lot
but i'm too self-involved to notice?
drat.
probably true.

i tried to fix my bike today. that bombed, big time.
i put the inner tube on, and took absolutely forever to put the tire back on over the inner tube because i'm completely inept when it comes to putting a tire back on a rim. finally figured out a good way to do it that didn't really always work, but at least it didn't always fail.
feeling very accomplished, i began to pump up the tire when the inner tube popped or exploded, making a loud noise that scared me pretty good.
i gave up.
thursday i think my fellow is coming over to help fix it. that will be grand.
[i think the word "fellow" is a funny word, but we're going to roll with it.]
it just would have been a perfect day for a bike ride today. it was just a perfect day in general, and instead of spending it out and about on a lovely bike ride i spent it inside working on this blasted paper.
i'm over exaggerating, because the paper really isn't that bad.
i just really wanted to say blasted.

i'm beginning to think of christmas, and am getting little thrills. :]]

we got a new bird. i think she likes me best of all. we're beginning to be great friends. i'm teaching her to say really interesting things. she poops too much.

[how very nice it is to be here and not there.
here is nice and good.]

which do you say: yesterday night or last night?

i had something really fantastic to write about, something that really struck me at sociology, but i'm kind of forgetting what it was so i'll save it for later.
for now, answer the question. please.

10.14.2008

fifty.two.

[hold my head inside your hands. i need someone who understands.]

today i purchased two albums.
itunes is my weakness, apparently. and recently.
i never had an issue before, i just never went to the store.
and i found it all confusing.
last week i bought this john mayer i have never heard of, only 7 songs, all very acoustic and fantastic. they were just re-recorded versions of other songs. i had to have them. the album was only 5 dollars.
of course i bought it.
today: bought two albums that i've actually been needing for some time now. titanic & braveheart soundtracks.
[i also have apparently have a weakness for james horner soundtracks.]
i'm listening to titanic right now.
i do not regret my purchases.
i also played titanic on the piano today, and i think james horner might be proud of me. i was really on a roll.
also, marketa irglova would hug me for my tearful rendition of "the hill" which i learned by ear.
we might even be able to play/sing together.
a duet, if you will.

[let me in. unlock the door. i never felt this way before.]

had a grand city trip last saturday, accompanied by friends and a boy that i've turned my claddagh ring around for [!!!]. i love a good city trip. ate some delicious athenian pizza [chicken and garlic and cheese and artichokes. yum!]. played some frisbee in a little park. oh, it was a grand time.

everyday i'm learning a little more how broken we are, and i am.
and it's so sad to see the pieces fall, how i wish we could all fix this and glue back together.
all these beautiful people are so broken.
and they don't even see! they don't even see how blind and broken and scattered and lonely.
they don't think they are.
they search and search and i search and search and we're searching all for the same thing but we all are finding different answers.

[and say you'll come and set me free.]

today was a glorious day outside, not sure if you stepped out at all. i read my Bible outside this morning and wrote a letter to Bon. it smelled delicious and the leaves were falling so softly and i loved it. i worked on my bike a bit ago. did i tell you i have a new bike? it's new old. it's new to me, but pretty dang old and wonderfully old fashioned. i just need some new tires and strong man to help me raise the seat because i can't get the wrench to work right.

ho-hum. must work on projects for advanced composition so that i don't die of insanity and frenzy in several weeks when projects are due...

10.07.2008

fifty.one.

why am i ill again??
after just getting better, i visited fright fest and screamed like an idiot and was not dressed warmly enough.
luckily, i don't have much to do today, so can sit and drink hot tea all day and read and watch old episodes of "Friends" and listen to wonderful music and prepare for Project B for my advanced comp class. Joy! And what a lovely day it is too.
[Fright Fest, however, was jolly good fun, and worth getting sick over.]

i recited my monologue in class yesterday, despite being sick, and my teacher was very kind. it was a Russian piece, almost poetic, about the revolution. fantastic, really. My teacher said my simplicity was great. i felt very relieved, because my teacher can really hound us. there was a Russian girl in the class too, and afterwards she came up and told me that she loved it, and she could just see the Russian colors [what are the Russian colors??] waving. That was a very nice compliment. And now I just get to watch others do monologues for a week or so more, and that is such good fun.

also had a conference with my advanced comp teacher yesterday [sick again for a conference with him. dash it all.] and it went better than before because he remembered who i was and i didn't feel the urge to cry at all, not even once.
this is a remarkable improvement and i feel much better on the whole. i'm doing alright in the class, his advice to me was just to "keep on keeping on" which just means that while i'm not particularly gifted at writing argumentative papers, and my english 101 teacher taught me nothing, he understands and appreciates that i am trying.

after conferencing i had a chat of all chats all full of joyous bittersweetness, causing me to be late to my sociology class by a minute or two. this was quite alright. in sociology we discussed how all consensual crimes should be legalized. my teacher is quite mad, but very compelling.

anyhow, must go and choreograph stunning lyrical number.
oh oh oh, and how wonderful is october? i hope you agree.

9.27.2008

fifty.

[tonight:
sing me something old and used
like roses are red and violets are blue
& i am here
& i'm waiting for you.]

i hope that when i am married that i don't yell at my husband like kate does to jon.
i'm speaking, of course, of jon and kate plus 8.
then again, i might not have 8 kids,
which could be part of the reason why they bicker so much.
nevertheless
i'm resolving not to tell my husband to "STAY"
like he's a dog.
no no.
not even if i have 8 kids.

i've read "Emily of New Moon" so many times that the cover has fallen off and the pages are ripping and tearing. I just duct-taped a new piece of paper to the front to hold it for the time being.
i feel quite accomplished.
it's not a GREAT book.
but it's mine.
it is my mangled book.
i have other books that are nearly that wrecked, but that is definitely the worst.

hummm, it's not very late, but it's late enough. i'm exhausted from this weekend. my weekends are always tiring, but very lovely.
i forgot, i thought of several other reasons of why my childhood was magical, but now i can't remember them again. how about you? do you remember them? your own, that is.

anyhow, off to bed. i'm going to drink some milk and then off to bed.

-christina

9.22.2008

forty.nine.

today i listened to the sound a crabapple makes when it falls from the tree.
is it a thud?
a thump?
a plop?
i couldn't differentiate, and i was supposed to be cramming for my sociology exam, and i wasn't focusing and crabapples sounded so interesting when they hit the ground and they also smelled so great and the wind was light and the geese were flying overhead and i got very little studying done for my exam.
so i tried studying again but then noticed that my grey shoes looked so fetching next to the red crabapples and my old English professor walked by and he was holding his tie in his hand and I remembered that he was nice and asked me to submit my paper to the Harper Anthology. he didn't see me and i realized that i'd sat behind a tree. i don't know why i did that, i hadn't even noticed it before.
i tried studying some more and then it worked a little.

i don't know how i always end up with the most interesting people in my classes, but i really really do. dance classes, especially ballet, SUCH intriguing people.

do you know, i think i had the most magical childhood?
really.
in fact, i will list five reasons to show you.
first:
i would sit & dangle my legs & crawl around on the bagging counter at Aldi's.
this is & always will be a favorite childhood memory.
second:
my mom let me ride not just in, but under the cart.
third:
i dressed up in dresses & ran through cornfields in wisconsin from the time i was 7 until i was 16.
fourth:
i saw the lion king in theaters.
fifth [and most important]:
i walked inside C.S. Lewis's wardrobe. i stood & ran my hand along the back wall.
i did.

i'm going to watch a movie for a bit and not think about things that i could be doing.
[i've developed a love/hate relationship with jon and kate plus 8.]

-christina
p.s. i kept spelling crabapple "crapabble." it was pretty funny, actually.

9.02.2008

forty. eight.

[sometimes i want to write forty like fourty. why is that?]

"Hi, I'm early, I'm at 3:15."
It was 3:00. No one was in Dr. Sunderbruch's office. I'm meeting him for my conference on the paper that I was doing. I'm sick, and my voice is shot. I'm wearing sweatpants.
"Oh, that's fine. You can come in. Take a seat." He's all business. Shoot. I don't feel well. I want to leave. I walk in and sit down.
"Ok, so let's discuss your project A. What article do you have that you plan to argue against?"
I pull out my article. It's not good. I felt good about it before I entered the room, but as soon as I pulled it out I knew I was done for. I didn't know what was wrong, but his eyebrows furrowed as he looked it over. He was confused. Why would I choose this? Shoot shoot shoot.
"So what are you planning to do with this? What's your argument?"
I tried to tell him. I squeaked out some words. I squeaked out some more.
"You're all over the place. You need to be focused. I ask you one question you say this. I ask you another question you say that. Give me ten words."
I had no words. I gave him fifteen. No word worked well with the previous. They all just came tumbling out. Please, let me leave. Let me go. Bury me in a hole. Please.
He began to work with me a little. Why was he so confused? Did he read my first paper? It's obvious that argumentative writing is not my thing. We finish discussing project A.
He pulls out my first completed paper.
"Well, now. Let's look at your first rhetorical strategy. I have to admit..." he begins to smile. He's pleased with my work. "I have to admit that..." He lists the title of my paper. Shoot.
Shoot shoot shoot.
That's not my paper. I don't even know what that title means.
"I... I'm sorry." I croak. "I think you've got the wrong paper. I didn't write that."
"You didn't write this?"
"No. No I didn't. Sorry to disappoint."
"Who are you?"
"I'm Christina."
Understanding lights up his face. He pulls out my paper. Ohhh. Right. The student who doesn't know how to write argumentative papers. It suddenly dawns on him why I stumbled all over myself with my project A assignment.
"Oh, ok. Christina. Right."
His voice is suddenly a little more sympathetic. Oh yes. Christina. The stupid child. I'm touched by his sympathy. I want to cry. I'm not used to being the stupid child.
We reviewed my first paper. I'm not focused enough. Fix this, fix that, bring it back, you'll get a good grade. Do more research on project A and come back with a strong article and a strong argument by Friday. Email me.
Thanks. Thank you. I'll just add that to my list of things to get done in the next 48 hours. My list is at about 53 hours of work. Even if I didn't sleep, I'd still be behind.
I'm sick. Can't I just claim sick and skip all this?
"I hope you feel better. You don't sound well. Would you like a cough drop?" He pulls cough drops out of his desk. He would. His wife is a renowned pediatrician. I want to cry again. I laugh a little to try and mask it.
"I'm fine, I've been popping vitamins all day."
"Good. Ok, well that's all I have for you then. Sorry I forgot your name, Christina."
"That's ok. Goodbye."
I leave his office.
Shoot.
Shoot shoot shoot.
Should have taken creative writing...

8.27.2008

forty.seven.

everyone talks about online articles and blog sites and such, and i just have never gotten into them.
ok, maybe not everyone. but a lot of people.
i'm a fool when it comes to internet and searching and finding good things.
i had to do research for my advanced comp class and i just wanted to cry/die because i'm just not very skilled when it comes to internet research.
i have several blogs i check regularly.
i don't even know how to do that feed thing. i'd like to figure it out, so that i didn't have to stalk around to see when bloggers have updated, it would just show up all nice and convenient for me.

lately i've been paranoid about the radiation that comes from laptops/cellphones.

school has begun and it's crazy and busy and wonderful. my advanced composition teacher is TOUGH and expects me to know everything ever but i don't so i hope he doesn't fail me. sometimes i think i'm smart, and then i take classes like this and realize that i know very little, at least i know very little of what this guy knows.
quote: "and yeah, i'll admit, einstein was a pretty smart guy."
my teacher is so smart that he speaks of einstein with a casual air, and only gives him the credit of being "pretty" smart.
my teacher is a little pompous too. he's a dr.
he intimidates me, and also reminds me very strongly of a future version of my friend. which sheds some light on many things. which helps me to not be intimidated, because i feel like i know where he began, the kind of guy he started off as.

acting class is exciting. it's very exciting. i haven't done this in a while. i feel almost giddy. it's acting class, and then we also have weekly journal entries to turn in. i'm sorry, but does it get a whole lot better? i'm actually earning credit for this.

modern dance class is fantastic. i'm actually earning credit for learning to dance... although this credit does not actually go towards any real degree or certificate. honestly, it's just never been my top priority to get my degree or certification in something. i just want to do what i love to do, take classes in things that i want to learn more about and be better at. is that wrong?

school always make my head spin & i like it.
i'm listening to damien rice & i like his music.
i smelled perfume inspired by ireland today & it was strange & bittersweet. it didn't smell like ireland, it smelled familiar. i don't think ireland should smell familiar, at least not like that.

i read some old journal entries from about a year ago [real journal entries, not like blog/xanga entires]. haha, i was so lost. there are many recurring phrases: i just don't know, i'm so confused, i don't understand. then, slowly, there's clarity and understanding and peace and reason.
& now, here i am. it's funny how things change, hm? i like that i don't end up where i always intend, that i can never really predict where i'm going to be, that there's a bigger plan than mine.
right here is somewhere great. i like being on this side. i like waiting. i hope i hope i hope i hope i hope i'm right.

i put finding neverland [the movie] on the ipod. it's hanging out with braveheart and various dances and, randomly, 10 things i hate about you.
i love finding neverland. i cry every time.
i think i'm going to play the finding neverland soundtrack on repeat at my wedding.

visited irish days today.
some of it was good.
some of it i didn't like.
it's IRELAND for crying out loud.
the best place in the world.
& people make stupid t-shirts and pins and commercialize it.
which is just loads of poop.
[in my opinion.]
i'll just keep my ireland in my head then.
o, but i wish you could see it.
i wish i could touch it, really.

it's late. tomorrow i have a day off, but not really because i have to choreograph and paint some. i have to choreograph a whole bunch.
goodnight.
listen to damien rice sometime.

-christina

8.21.2008

forty.six.

i killed a lot of trees today, while weeding.
i don't like weeding very much.
but i love gardens.
i really like tough plants that you don't have to weed
and then having this glorious overgrown garden.
i think it looks neat
and less work!
not that i'm very lazy. it's just...
weeeddding.
if i had some windowsill gardens or a rooftop garden
or both
i wouldn't mind weeding those.
[do they even grow weeds? i don't know.]
but we have these bushes along the side of our house, and we have to weed all around them. it's tiresome. and seemingly unending, even though today my mom, sister and i all did it together and it got done pretty quickly.
but just imagine it:
i'm living in ireland.
i have flowers that are meticulously weeded growing at my windowsills, and several meticulously weeded potted plants by the door/walkway.
all around my house are gargantuan flowers and bushes and weeds all growing hand in hand.
yesyes.
i would probably make the professional gardener cry and run away.
he couldn't handle such perfect imperfection.

anyhow, back to the killing of small trees, that's another reason i don't like weeding.
you have to pluck all the innocent, fragile trees out.
dandelion leaves and all can go, they're hardy and grow back the next day.
but TREES.
they seem so much more...
alive.
they've got so much more personality.
not to be cruel to dandelions, or those giant leaves that i've always remembered as spider leaves, but trees just are more difficult to pull out. it's sad. a small forest died today.

i start school in several days now. i'm excited. i visited harper yesterday to finish up some details. i was looking at the poster of upcoming productions over the year, and the director of one of them came up and told me that he'd love to see me audition. he even shook my hand. i thought that was nice of him.
also, as i was walking in, my old sign language teacher remembered me and waved. i thought that was nice of him.

i read twilight.
i disliked it.
but i guess i can understand why it's huge.
why did you like it??

i bought a camera.
i'm not a photographer, so i bought a cheaper one.
i just want to have pictures. i like pictures.

i like people.
i like looking at them.
does this make me creepy?

-christina


8.18.2008

forty.five.

ho-hum.
i like the word grey.
i like what it makes me think of.
grey.
grey.
grey.
grey looks like blankets and books and train rides.
it looks like baking and movies and reading old journals.
grey sounds like norah jones and jon foreman and john mayer and soundtracks.
grey feels like a big sweater and a big hug and freshly painted toenails.
grey looks like your eyes when they are soft and sleepy.
it tastes like cookie dough and croissants with jelly.
grey.
[not gray.
that's completely different.]

there is this complicated balance between
respect
&
honesty.
being vulnerable
&
being guarded.
that's what i'm thinking of lately.
how to find that balance.
perhaps i complicate it too much.
over-analyze and second guess.
simplicity is key.
[it always is.]

had a splendid time in michigan with friends and family.
i love michigan.
i failed at the pit spitting contest
and the egg toss contest
and the dune jumping [face plant].
i rocked at eating a boomchunka ice cream sundae.
and i rocked the sundress.
[i love a good sundress.]
[or 27 good sundresses.]
there are not many things better than the quaint towns and interesting people you will find in michigan.
michigan also has killer coffee shops that make good blueberry lemon scones.
you know what else i love?
tim allen talking about michigan.
every time those commercials come on the radio i turn them up as loud as my favorite song.

ho hum.
must go and help my father finish a piece of artwork.
wish me luck.

-christina

p.s. i didn't know that you could "add gadgets" to your blogger profile. there are way too many. i got lost and decided not to add any. simplicity...

8.05.2008

forty.four.

it's good to be home.
and have the internet back.
although, there is a lot of good things about no internet.
it's really a toss-up.
i very much did enjoy that month and a half without it.
the thing i most missed was being able to check the weather.
[i think that was the only thing i missed.]
i just abuse it back home.
self-control!
that's the name of the game.
and not just with computer time.
this could also extend to:
nail-biting
exercising
eating healthy [we have ice cream in the freezer and it's been torture not to dip into it every time i pass it]
getting enough sleep
unproductive thought patterns

to sum up:
self-control is something that could be implemented in my daily life on many counts.

today, got stuck in traffic on my way to barnes & noble and it was so incredibly hot. our car has no a/c. i practiced self-control and did not get angry at rude drivers or the awful heat, but instead stuck as much of my body as possible out of the window and listened to the cool vibes of Wilco.
wretched car ride turns into soothing sauna [unfortunately with no shower at the end].

got to barnes & noble later than expected and lost all self-control because instead of picking up interesting, intelligent, furthering of my knowledge book, or writing journal entry full of sparkling wit and intellect, i picked up crummy magazine that made me feel like a failure in terms of how often i get haircuts and what kind of shoes i wear/buy, plus i already felt awesomely attractive because of sauna experience. however, after closing my magazine i cow-girled up and felt much better when a small boy flirted shamelessly with me. He kept pushing his stroller closer to me, and then trying to hand me random objects from his table, like napkins. His mom told me that he wanted to take me for a spin in the stroller, and i said anytime.
bummed around and peeked inside a few books that were displayed by the front door, and then rushed out to pick tai up from dance classes.
the drive home was a lot cooler. i put just my hand out the window.
i love driving. driving with tai is always full of fun too.

earlier today i stopped by harper to figure out some stuff for classes.
i'm excited for this next semester.
i think i always say that but it's true.
fall semester is muchas fun.
the weather is good. it's AUTUMN for crying out loud, only the best time of the year.
i take that back.
i love the whole year.
autumn is just very near and dear to my heart.
why? i don't know.
anyhow, saw a surprise person at harper.
ran the other way.
ha. ha.
i think i'm a little socially awkward.
certain people i just don't know how to greet.
so i just run away.
it's my homeschool upbringing.
when in doubt: run away or point.
[just kidding. but seriously.]

i only had ONE SPOONFUL of ice cream today, so i think i will allow myself a small dish.
it's too good not to.
and if i don't, someone else will.
and then there will be none left for me.
i feel like this entry was a muddled booku of stuffs.
first entry back and all....
anyhow, have a superb evening. :]

-christina

6.12.2008

forty. three.

take this sinking boat and point it home
we've still got time.

today i downloaded some piano music online. i'm not sure if it's illegal to download free sheet music, but it's very very handy. i'm so excited. except i leave in ten days for camp, and then i won't be home for a month and a half, so i really won't be able to play it very much. that's unfortunate.
[note, i wrote this part as a draft, and then never finished it. so now the dates are a little false, because it's only 2 days until i leave.]

today: cleaned much of the day. honestly, i love a good cleaning. i dread it until i must actually do it, and then getting down and scrubbing the bathroom floor is very refreshing and enjoyable. it's true.

honestly, i feel as if i have too much to say. too much has happened in these past few weeks. when i look back it just seems huge. half my life has been squashed and mooshed together into this past month. incredible. and now i leave so soon for camp-a-roo-ski, a.k.a. camp paradise. it just never stops. but at least it'll slow down a little, up at camp.
ah, i can't wait.

And how many times I'd be lost in the sea
If you weren't there to rescue me


i finished getting camp supplies and such today. i just need stamps. it's fun buying random little things, like new chapstick or pens or disposable cameras.
i need to figure out which books to bring.

looking forward to:
washing dishes.
quiet evenings.
cooking.
coronado nights.
bonfires.
hemp.
chilly mornings.
a new set of staff shirts.
o goodness, can't even begin to say what else. the list goes on and on and on. i honestly have a booku of things flooding my head just now.

maybe slightly dreading:
bugs.
bug bites.
more bugs.
missing the amazing recovery of miss beth.
missing the possible death of mr. smiggles.
forgetting something hugely important.
missing coldplay album release.
missing john mayer and colbie caillat.
missing tai's dance classes.
missing the opening of Dark Knight.
otherwise, you know, i'm good. and the good things pretty much totally cancel out the cons.

It's so simple, and fitting
The path that you are on


OH. almost finished with "Sense and Sensibility." Am feeling muchas confident about ending strong. I actually very much enjoyed this book, moreso than i thought i would. i always figured the story of Pride and Prejudice would be my very favorite, or Persuasion, but after reading this book i am finding it creeping to the top of the list.
i love some of the language in the book. for instance, they use the word "monstrous" all the time, to put emphasis on something in particular.
"she's monstrous pretty."
"he has a monstrous fortune."
it's just funny. can't you just see one of those older obnoxious lady characters saying it? i love it. i might have to add it my vocabulary, slowly slip that in there.

Crave the light, and brave the light,
Stare the light,
And share the light...


anyhow. i best be off. it's getting monstrous late. i've got some busy next two days...
it'll be some wonderful times ahead. don't forget about me. :]]

see you again on the 23rd of July,
christina

5.20.2008

forty.two.

if the serving size is correct on the coffee ice cream carton then i ate enough for 3 1/2 people tonight.

and oh.

it was wonderful.

-christina

5.18.2008

forty.one.

[let's pretend we're in the middle of a conversation, and i am filling you in on what you've missed.]
::note:: i don't talk exactly like this in real life speaking.

but truly and honestly, a lack of sleep and a great increase in driving time has lead to a certain amount of extra thinking time.
this extra thinking time has brought interesting results, including:
moments of great peace
moments of great anger
moments of happiness that my horn doesn't work in my car, because of furious pounding
more peaceful moments.
also whilst driving this dragon came down
hovered over my car
but then flew on, destroying small villages.
don't worry, no one was harmed...

[that was a good conversation, thanks. i left out a lot, and then started rambling. i wasn't sure if you were listening.]

my middle name is hope.
i try and live up to it.
lately i've been discovering that i need to rearrange where i place hope.
[forgive, in advance, an overabundance of girlish fancies.]
here is what i hope for, mostly--
a marriage and family and a home [perhaps a vacation home in Ireland].
and all the promise and struggles that holds.
it's just about that simple.
and if i'm having a down day, or feeling wretched i'll console myself with this idealistic vision of my future.
and if i'm unsure and unstable, i'll remind myself what is waiting for me, if only i have patience.
i know this is what i want. i know this is what i've always wanted. whatever else shifts and changes, this remains constant.
this is really awful, and you will laugh at this. if you don't, you should, because it's pure silliness. ok... at the end of pirates 3 [i know] she sits and scans the horizon and waits for his ship to come in. [there we go - now wait for my comparison]. i like that. i figure that's me, at this point. and i feel like that, like i want to sit and wait for signs of your sail out on the water.
i've touched on this. the waiting game.
what am i waiting for?

the other day i was talking to my dad, and he was going on about a somewhat-usual topic, on the world and how we're headed for destruction, and how easily marriages fall apart, and how worried he is for us. and i tell him that it all sounds rather hopeless. and he says that it's not, because we as Christians simply place our hope in Christ, that is where our hope lies.
at the time, i was all: good story dad.
but then thinking later on it, i realized that i've been placing my hope in this really flimsy dream of my future, laying out my own path. and even though i feel like God has ordained me for this purpose, to be a wife and mother, combined with artsy bohemian gypsy, i can't really know/wait on that. you know? [although i will continue with artsy bohemian gypsy-esque portrait, man or no.]
and i think the reason why i've been beating up on my steering wheel and feeling rather hopeless and forlorn at times [though i don't want to make it sound like this has been me for the past few weeks, because there really have been some glorious times, a.k.a. whenever i'm at shows] is because all of my hope being channeled into this idea or vision that is non-existent.

i've been reading psalm 27 for a while now, and somehow never noticed the last verses:
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And he shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
[exclamation point]

well. what am i waiting for?

-christina

4.28.2008

forty.

can this blog now be classified as over the hill? ha.

[by the by, humphrey is my imaginary friend.]

this has been a most interesting week, filled with interesting news and papers and people and conversations.
the dictionary definition of interesting is as follows:
engaging or exciting and holding the attention or curiosity.
however, i also have my own definition, which is something like:
interesting - a word you use when you don't know how to respond.
that's basically where i'm at on some points. not necessarily in a bad way, mind. just in a curious way. like: hm, don't know quite how i feel.

nevertheless, i had a grand time at rehearsals this weekend.
[although my tye-dye shirt is ugly as all heck.]

i hate roadkill.
for some reason i always look at roadkill.
it makes me shudder every time.

i often sing the praises of rosie thomas. i like "wedding day" currently. that's some days, in a nutshell.
also really loving this old 70's song "Longer." not at all connected to rosie thomas, just found it on a random collection of songs compiled by Hallmark, and entitled "Free Spirit."
yes, the title is what nabbed me. i'll admit. a lot of the songs are good, but "Your So Vain" makes me nauseous. no thank you.

what is this waiting game we play?
i'm inclined to join
because i know that i'm waiting for something really amazing.
[right...?]
but what do i sacrifice to wait?
i can't have the mindset that i'm waiting for life to really kick in.
because that's been done before
and ended disastrously, as we know.
it's this balance
[as all things are]
of waiting for that thing
but also accepting the here and now
and not only accepting but embracing
while still preparing.
and that's where i'm at,
i think.
waiting
and embracing.

-christina

4.22.2008

thirty.nine.

We don't know his name.
Telling stories of nameless people is far more difficult, because we associate a name with a story and a life. Those without names, such as the people in line at the grocery store or the driver in the car next to us, are often forgotten.
But those without names have their stories written in the lines of their face
and the calluses on their hands
and the way they rub their left knee when it rains.
Occasionally, a face sticks out and takes longer to forget.
Suddenly you'll think of it, the face will flash in your mind. While you're washing dishes or waking up from a dream it'll come to you, a small thread of thought you can't quite hold onto.
Our mystery man has this sort of face.
But it's hard to tell the story of the man with the glasses and the hair in his eyes who wears a smoking jacket type of blazer, because this would then be called:
"The man with the glasses and the hair in his eyes who wears a smoking jacket type of blazer's story."
So we will call him Humphrey,
and this,
ergo,
will be "Humphrey's Story."
_________________________


Ireland
- Spring 2009

yesyes i do hope so. costs are beginning to go up, passport, various shots and such, but plans are underway.

i just need to figure out who i'm going with. [going solo sounds like muchas fun, but is merely a lofty dream.]

-christina

4.16.2008

thirty.eight.


some things never change.


-christina

4.14.2008

thirty.seven.

someone is on a roll!
that's me.
i'm very near forty posts.
forty is a big number.

sometimes [ok, a lot of times] i get into my car [and by my car i mean the family car] and i see that i have over half a tank of gas, and i think that i will just head out. drive somewhere. anywhere. mostly somewhere west, because i've never ever been west.
i think this thought very often.
the temptation to follow through is very strong.
[but i know i'm all talk.]

if i'm feeling melodramatic, i think that i know exactly how Caleb Trask feels.
today is not one of those days.

what about bangs?
did i already ask that?
i'm thinking i'll go for it.
you only live once.
plus lauren says it'll work for me because i have a big forehead.
awesome?

today: did some yard work whilst listening to the ipod.
i've categorized playlists on the ipod by color.
color = certain emotion or time.
for instance...
red: bold, fierce, sassy.
music choices in red:
upbeat, rockin' tunes, including some pop numbers that i never would admit i know all the words to.
yellow: mellow, sweet tunes.
driving tunes, and in today's case, yard work tunes.
"brighter than sunshine" is a great yard work song.
as is some goo goo dolls.
i need to put more colors on.

would the wind be at my back?
could i get you off my mind?
this time...

anyhow, i know there was more that i'd wanted to say, but we'll save it for another time.
i'll be seeing you.

-christina

4.13.2008

thirty.six.

"Ever After" is such a wonderful movie. I haven't seen in it such a long while.

i never ever look at my blogger home page. is this wrong?

Confession:
Usually when I go to Barnes & Noble and I know that I'm only going to be there for around 1/2 hour I don't spend that precious time browsing about looking at intelligent books and such. I head straight for the magazine rack and pick up a selection of wedding magazines, beauty magazines and current events. Once in a while I'll look at crazy crochet magazines and dream up ways I could make reversible sweaters.
Anyhow, the other day was such a day, and I picked up such a selection. One of the beauty magazines I was looking at was completely chock-full of how to stay younger longer.
I'm not kidding, I think every single page had at least one item on it that was all about anti-aging, and every article revolved around that subject as well. It's all very disappointing. The editor made a note that said something like: "I like to think that I'm not crazy about anti-aging. I just don't think that aging means that I'll let my hair go gray, wear orthopedic shoes and all that."
I'm sorry.
I thought aging was a...
oh rats. how should i put this?
Natural process?
Maybe I'm just confused.
For the record:
I'll try my hardest to steer clear of orthopedic shoes and elastic waistbands for as long as I can, however I'm fairly certain they are inevitable.
I know I'll be one of the old ladies in the locker room at Harper after a good round of water aerobics traipsing about in silk underwear and talking about Dr. Scholls and the best way to beat indigestion after dinner.
I will let the lines on my face show, so you'll see how I've laughed with you and worried for you for so many years.
I'll let the gray come out in my hair, and I'll grow it long and braid it.
I'll wear skirts with elastic waistbands to compromise.
And I'll paint my toe nails red before I stick them in my orthopedic shoes.
It's easy to say this all when I'm young, here and now.
However, I will stand strong in my conviction.

Nose piercing = more of a possibility. Don't be surprised.
[i will also wear my nose-piercing when I am old.]

I fail at homework.

pleasepleaseplease
stand strong.

-christina

4.08.2008

thirty.five.

something i find very disorienting:

walking in the men's bathroom.
a thousand thoughts fly through my head in a moment.
first, casual thoughts.
"oh, i didn't know they repainted."
"wow, the layout is different."
"since when did they install a urinal?"
then, frantic thoughts.
"ah! i hope no one is in here!"
"ah! i hope no one walks in here!"
"ah! i hope no one sees me walk out of here!"
very disorienting.
and funny.

The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous
feeling of the words being there, written in
invisible ink, and clamoring to become visible. [Nabokov]


dear hall weavers:
please
do us all a favor.
get off your cellphone and walk.
harper is full of people who text and walk
and are all over the place
run into doors
run into me
cause mass pandemonium.

music has expanded. currently checking out jimmy eat world, wilco, dave matthews band and the john butler trio.

took a run today. almost died. i prefer dancing/frolicing for a cardio workout.

-christina

4.07.2008

thirty.four.

none of these are for you.
[let's go down to beautiful. so alive when i'm with you.]

[don't be a rooper, rooper...]

[i came along. i wrote a song for you. and all the things you do. and it was called yellow.]

[long to say this in your ear, i'll love you that way.]

[in a bullet-proof vest, with the windows all closed...]

[one thing i ask and i will seek]

[i like your sundress. what about the girl with loneliness?]

[ch-ch-ch-changes...]

[cold. cold water. surrounds me now. and i can't let go of your hand.]

all of these are for you.

i just had to clarify. sometimes people read this and think i'm writing for them.
now you know that...
i'm a walking contradiction [?]
with an obsession for melodramatic song lyrics.
or perhaps mentally insane.

hi.
i think it would be alright.
what do you think?

i wish i could be one hundred percent straightforward with you.
skip the mystery and complexity.
i really do long for simplicity, yet sometimes i find myself leaning towards the complicated.
to write simply. to live simply. to love simply. to trust simply. to hope simply.
simply. sincerely.
however:
straightforwardness occasionally equals too much talking.
some things are better left unsaid.
[so i use brackets. ha.]
i need to find that delicate balance.
simple + straightforward + sincere = sure success.

i'm very much enjoying the new ipod, despite the difficulties i've encountered.
at least i have music.
that's all that really matters.

well. i bought some shorts. this is good news.
however, funding for ireland has decreased considerably, what with shorts and gas for cars and that cinnabun.

today is my father's birthday. he is 42.
happy happy birthday.

today i gave a speech on my Aunt Noelle.
i loathe speech-giving.

o... dash it all. i need a haircut. snip snip. i don't know how short i'll go.

talked to Kayla! on the phone.
it was veryvery nice.
and long overdue.

jazz class in 1/2 hour.
ballet + jazz + choreographing = fitness results.
hallelujah.
this is motivating.

(Hello Goodbye) I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
(Hello Goodbye Hello Goodbye) hello hello

things have been surprisingly good. better, even.
it's much better.

(Hello Goodbye) I don't know why you say goodbye
(Hello Goodbye) I say goodbye.


-christina

4.02.2008

thirty.three.

i was doing some thinking of sorts here before bed.
my father asked me on our breakfasting where i could see myself in 5 years.
after thinking on it, i realized that i couldn't see myself doing sign language.
sign language is so very time consuming, and in 5 years i could be busy and married, and thinking of starting a family.
so. fall plans are beginning to be the in works.
i must say i'm excited.
just on the edge of my seat.
but also disappointed.
because i really enjoy sign language, but honestly just don't see how it's all going to work out. i was planning on taking off the fall anyhow, because i need my associates before i can get my interpreting certificate. but now... maybe no certificate at all.
sign language just has such interesting people.
especially this lady named veronica.
there's one in every class.
first: candycane.
second: tim
currently: veronica, who is writing a story about a man who is cursed to be a spirit, so he's searching for a new body to be in. first, though, he must find a virgin who is willing to be with him despite his spirit body. meanwhile, his arch enemy is searching for a weapon of magical powers to kill the spirit man, because he himself loves the virgin. also because the spirit man accidentally killed an elder 780 years ago.
forgive the french, but i think there is a need to quote veronica word for word. it's good to note that the following was said without any prompting or questions on what she was scribbling:
"i started writing this story a few years ago. i've tried again and again to throw it away, put it out of my mind, but i just can't seem to do it. i've ripped it up and thrown it out and just put it away in a drawer and tried to forget about it, but each time i do, sooner or later it just comes and sticks itself up my ass again. i'm up all night writing, but i can't figure out what the hell to write about. i've sat for hours trying to figure out what kind of weapon the one guy is going to find. i know it needs to be magical, i just can't decide..."
this rambling continued for at least several minutes nonstop. i was dying.
then her phone rang, and she started talking to her mom in Japanese. it was like some bizarre dream.

also today, i met the infamous peter parker. what an awesome day.

to do:
ask the old ladies from water aerobics for recipes.

not to do:
give up on "persuasion."
[am continuing to be jane austen poser. will seek to destroy such a title.]

-christina

thirty.two.

::a short note on the bracket::

there is something so interesting about the bracket.
i never use it correctly.
i know how it's supposed to be used
as in:
"[Mr. Henry] said that he would love to come to dinner."
Instead of saying "He"
because no one knows who he is.
So you stick him in brackets.
i guess that's one way to use a bracket.

however.

i use brackets in a less traditional way.
perhaps you've noticed.
quite often i use them as parentheses
[because they just look neater.]
sometimes i use them as something different altogether.
i sort of feel that if i put something in brackets
i almost never said it.
it's like a whisper that is written.
it's like a secret
or something i'm too shy/afraid to say aloud
or alone.
so i use my brackets.

the end.

-christina


3.31.2008

thirty.one.

1/2watching "Stardust"
1/4 blogging
1/4 facebook stalking
=
multi-tasking genius.
however
i probably will not finish this entry until later
i'll find nothing of real value on facebook
and i'll not be able to tell you the plot of the movie.
one thing at a time?
never.

i'm discovering "A Beautiful Mind" soundtrack recently. so VERY good. today i had a movie moment at college, where i was listening to the music and watching the rain streak down the window in Avante. it felt as if something spectacular was about to happen.
[nothing did]

taking note of the movie: a star just crashed into the trees. the blond promised to marry tristan if he crossed the wall and got the star. bam.

my broha got a new car. jeep patriot. sleek. black. fantastic. guess who got his old car? me. i did. at first i was excited. it's a little toyota corolla with a million miles on it, but it's alright. or i thought it was.
no.
no it's not.
i thought i had the ghetto car before with the busted wind[ow]shield and the minimal heat and the shaking whilst stationary.
no.
this is the ghetto car. wind[ow]shield is intact, but it shakes whilst stationary and moving and all the rest. plus, there is something underneath that rattles uncontrollably between 10 and 45 mph, and then again past 57mph. so awesome.
but.
at least i have a car.
right?

ah! claire danes is in this movie! she was best as Beth in Little Women. so so good.
i like the name claire a lot. every claire i've known i have liked:
claire danes.
claire from my CYT class last fall who was so cute-as-a-button and fun.
claire from LOST.
claire from Elizabethtown who made that stellar map for Orlando.

you know what else is a stellar name?
Davita Hope
a.k.a. my firstborn daughter.

am currently craving yogurt-covered raisins.
am also reflecting on how fat and jolly i will be when pregnant.
am also wondering where on earth cellphone has got to.

i babysat Rachel's children with tai and EB this weekend, and we are all very excited for motherhood now. we equal amazing homemakers when we ruined foolproof cookie mix in a bag and ended up making cookie cake instead of cookies because we added too much milk. however, we are all very good at drawing out naptime for a very long time, and playing Power Rangers vs. monsters [we were always monsters].

am currently craving ice cream that is ironically sitting in freezer.
am excited for date with father in the morning.
am allowing myself a morsel of hope.

-christina

p.s. finished the entry before the movie was finished. did noteworthy things on facebook. have no idea what the crap this movie is about.

3.17.2008

thirty.

Today am planning on starting "Persuasion."
am feeling quite confident that i will have it finished before the end of the semester.
that makes 3 books in this semester
which is 3 more than last semester.

"Realize" by Colbie Caillat is better than "Bubbly" by the same.

i ordered an ipod. i did. that's $265 out of my Ireland fund.
but here's my logic:
what would Ireland be with my finicky 2GB mp3 player?
not as rewarding as Ireland with my 80GB ipod!
perhaps my logic is flawed
because i'm pretty sure Ireland would be amazing, ipod or not.
however, am very excited to receive sleek, black ipod on monday morning via Fed Ex.

i'm choreographing Seussical in Kane, and we just had our first rehearsal on Tuesday.
i'm feeling much better about this than i originally was. the kids are great and that's what i just have to remember.
one girl [i'm don't know her name yet] reminds me a lot of my Aunt Noelle.
she's such a sweetheart, and a real trooper.
i think she has spini bifida just like my aunt did, she walks just like her.
she has to use crutches to walk most of the time, but she doesn't play on sympathy. she does everything that everyone else is doing, and a lot of the times with more commitment. in our first dance she didn't complain once, and every time she fell she picked herself back up and laughed a little, saying she was fine.
when we were done learning it, she came over and was talking to me, and she was so laid-back and honest.
it's things like that, kids like her.
so great, and so worth it.

tai is making blueberry muffins and they smell delicious.

have a wonderful spring break, if you're on your spring break like me [woohoo!]. play in the snow, if you will.
i'm going to watch an episode of LOST for real.

-christina

3.07.2008

twenty.nine.

[tai took this. it makes me think of george bailey.]
George
: You know what the three most exciting sounds in the world are?

Billy
: Uh-huh. Breakfast is served; lunch is served, dinner...

George
: No, no, no, no! Anchor chains, plane motors, and train whistles.

=]
i like that movie.

oh.
i'd like to go on a train ride.
we'd go down to the city
when it's warmer.
it'd be you and i.
[you'd have to come
i'm not allowed to go alone.]
on the train we'd talk.
or maybe not.
we could listen to music
and grin at each other for our favorite songs.
i'd make fun of the way you can't sit still for too long.
on our walk we'd talk.
we'd walk all the way to the water.
it's still chilly
so i'll put my sweatshirt on
and wear the hood.
we'll discuss the possibility of getting a boat
and rowing to the other side of the lake.
[but really, we're all talk]
we'll roll up our jeans
and dip our feet in the water
but then kind of regret it, because it's coooold.
you'll make fun of my toes
but i won't mind
because i know you don't mind.
then we'll walk again.
discuss somewhere to eat.
window shop.
hit up some music shops.
stop and listen to the saxophone player.
hit up a resale shop.
the lights start coming on
and we notice it's getting dark.
we head back to the train station.
you get arby's
but i get taco bell.
we'll take the train home.
discuss coming back down at 4 in the morning
to watch the sun rise in the city.
[but really, we're all talk]

-christina



3.06.2008

twenty.eight.

So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

Too many books
Read me your favorite line

oh, i love it when music just clicks.
damien rice is just clicking recently.
tonight, while driving home... so good.
if ever i wrote an autobiography, i think i could divide my life into music artists i liked at different times.
when i was younger it was mo-town, and oldies my parents listened to.
it's changed a lot. i can't even remember many of them.
kelly clarkson, haha. that was one.
martina mcbride.
steven curtis chapman was a big obsession. mostly because my friend liked him.
the walk to remember soundtrack was big too.
back in the day those obsessions would last a long while.
now i could chronicle months with an artist.
August: Ben Kweller/Coldplay
October: Pride and Prejudice soundtrack
January: Once soundtrack
March: Damien Rice

today [since it's past midnight] is my sister's birthday.
happy birthday, lovely girl.
[she doesn't ever read this, but i'll say it just the same.]

my english class is a joke.
i'm disappointed.
we spent an hour and a half today in class going over how to write a paper.
pardon me.
i thought i learned this in english 101.
thank you english 102 for challenging me in new ways
and requiring me to fill out a thesis handout.
[i'm pretty sure i can build a thesis.]
he also had to go over the different between quotation marks and parentheses.
...
what???
i hope you're laughing. in disbelief. but it's the truth.

rachel showed me this song "Meadowlark" by Sarah Brightman, and i lovelove it. if i ever was in a show again [maybe this august, don't poke fun] then i would sing this song for an audition. except not so operatic. even though my opera is top notch.

oh, it's getting late. i didn't plan to be up so late. it's been a long day.
i wish you a good night's rest.
and that you find songs that click.

-christina

p.s. posting is being a poop. i'll fix the font soon.

3.04.2008

twenty.seven.

exhausted....
i am so exhausted.
i feel like this exhaustion will never end.
[until thursday. it's tai's birthday and as a gift we are sleeping in until noon]

i'm a poser.
i'm a jane austen poser.
whenever someone mentions jane austen i cry wholeheartedly:
"i love jane austen!"
as if i've read and reread every book.
the truth is i'm not sure i've ever finished one.
i've gotten most of the way through two of them,
and part of the way through two more.

today hannah reminded me how much i love shakespeare's sonnets.

i should be working on a paper for English 102.
oh poop.
i will do that now.
have a merry evening.
the stars were so so lovely tonight.

-christina


2.25.2008

twenty.six.

I completely redact anything i have ever said about snow/winter being awful.

it's just the best at this very moment.

honestly, the biggest snowflakes i've ever seen.

i just walked outside to stand in the snow.
harper is all a buzz, but as soon as i step out it's as if the world was silenced.
so very very quiet, it took a moment to distinguish noises at all, just like adjusting to darkness after being in the sunlight.
after a moment i heard the quiet hum of machines in the buildings, heaters or whatnot.
several moments later i could even begin to hear the soft pat of the snow hitting the sidewalk.

i can stand without sundresses and flip-flops for the time being...

-christina

2.24.2008

twenty.five.

what would you do if i said it out loud?

...in a bullet proof vest
with the windows all closed...

here it is: i'm letting my guard down.

this has been an insane week, what with school and interning for the show and all. it's show week, i haven't gotten a lot of sleep. i say that as if i've been working hard, but a lot of the late nights have to do with talking or singing or walking on a field of ice. it's been a typical show week, filled with it's own lovely times and drama and sadness and nostalgia.

winter is nice, but i'm looking forward to flip-flops and sundresses soooo much right now.

iiiii would like an ipod. i used to think i couldn't think of 500 songs to fill up my little 2GB mp3 player but I was very, very wrong. however, i don't think this is a case of nothing-will-ever-be-good-enough. i'm not going to need some ridiculously expensive deal with enough space to store 20 movies. just a couple thousand songs... that should do it. i'll need to do some saving up, but that'll take money out of my ireland fund which is no good.

there is this one song i've fallen particularly in love with, just for the strings at the end. "Amie" by Damien Rice. Maybe you should listen to it. If you spread your arms out wide, you can feel the music in your fingertips, i guarantee it.

there's been a lot of wedding talk lately, just because us girls like discussing weddings. rachel is especially fun to talk wedding talk with. she gives us the best moral advice slash tidbits of wisdom. it's hilarious. she's honest and realistic, but always has encouraging things to say. the most common one is "but seriously guys, being married is the best." you can see her saying it, can't you?
i've been listening to the finding neverland soundtrack a bit lately, and with all this wedding talk i've picked my entire wedding ceremony music out using just the soundtrack. i kid you not. it will be fantastic and magical.

i need shoes to go with my formal dress.
i'm poor.
maybe i'll just go barefoot. or in my galoshes.

i should get to bed so that i can be top notch for ballet tomorrow [which was a bit better last week, by the way].
sleep well. i'll see you soon.

-christina


2.13.2008

twenty.four.

you know what's embarrassing?
ballet class, that's what.
honestly, there are people in a beginning
[did you get that? i'll say it again]
BEGINNING
ballet class
and they have taken...
i don't know...
18 years of ballet.
is this fair?
i think not.
so whilst some of us are stumbling through simple combinations
[and i do mean stumbling]
they gracefully and perfectly lift lovely feet and dainty hands
as if they've been doing this all their life...
oh wait.
they have.
furthermore!
they stand in the back, making beginners and stumblers
like myself
stand front and center.
it's laughable, really.
though quite unfair.
i haven't felt so awkward since i was 15 and gangly.
however. i maintain some hope that someday i'll be like that.
balancing and leaping and detailed footwork all as easy as breathing.
until then...

in slightly more uplifting news i got a 100 for my first speech.
[i think she gave everyone 100, so this is not incredibly amazing, but still noteworthy.]

today is love is the movement.
i wrote love on my arm.

i need to go and finish a booku of homework, and i will listen to some musica.
have yourself a smashing day.

-christina


p.s. i'd like to read "persuasion" next, if only because of "the lake house."


2.10.2008

twenty.three.

Tonight I feel a little low and broken.
It's just tonight, sort of an avalanche of things and I got all twisted up inside of them, and now I feel like the people who get caught underneath an avalanche and can't tell up from down, arms from legs.

2 nights ago i had some sad dreams and woke up crying. it's such an odd feeling, relief because it's not true, but these dream fragments hang on like cobwebs and i couldn't completely shake them off yesterday or today. dreams are funny like that. sometimes hard to forget.
today our car broke down. it'll survive. we're just stranded at CLA until the tow truck finds some free time, and that's where i'm at now.

it's late and i'm tired and all of a sudden every issue seems large and foreboding and insurmountable.
sometimes i have problems with trusting.
and patience.
like now.
i've always had this independent streak, and now i just want to go out... figure things out.
be wrong and be right and seek God and wisdom and work and school.
that's where i'm at now.
tonight.
sometimes i get tired of hearing how awful our culture is, what terrible places we're going to...
i'm having a hard time finding hope.
tonight.

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

i debate with myself about entries such as this.
sometimes i stumble.
i think that's important to write about as much as polka-dot galoshes.

-christina