10.31.2008

fifty.five.

I think my Dad is somewhere near crazy, or has the potential to be really, truly mad.
He talks to his books like they are real people.

Dear Dad,
Books are inanimate objects that will not [and cannot] respond.
They do not take orders, such as "Stay."
When you say "Hello" they will not respond with similar greetings.
I hope you understand.
Love,
Tina.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure he can hear them talking back.....

It smells fantastic out.

I picked up a book of poetry the other day, and immediately saw the poem by Dylan Thomas "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night." I took a poetry class a few years ago, and one day in class my professor read that poem aloud. I loved listening to my professor read the poems aloud. He really lingered on every word, each word meant something, each word lead to the next.
I always got shy to read aloud, and would hide my face in my hand a little and rush through. But he was unabashed and loved every moment. I remember specifically this poem, he didn't look at the book very much because he knew most of it by heart. I remember his face was big and his voice was big and actually all of him was just big. Not fat, just laarrrggee. And his voice was booming and entreating and soft but still big. I loved hearing him read this poem, especially the last stanza. What a neat guy.

I watched Pride & Prejudice this morning whilst doing homework. What a great movie [even though Keira Knightley bugs me a little]. I just love how jaunty and dandy Mr. Bingley is, it makes me laugh. Just a really friendly man.
Speaking of homework, I should get back on that....

10.27.2008

fifty.four.

sociology teacher::
i feel like when i look at her eyes they're already almost dead.
we have things in common
but these things only highlight our differences.
like the fact that she only laughs a bitter laugh.
our world is so flawed, she only finds humor in the dark & depressing.
it's what consumes her.
she recognizes the flaws
& that things are not getting better
& won't
& will only worsen.
& in her eyes, this is it. she creates her own reality & truth & beauty.
so even as she creates it she knows that it is not real or true or beautiful.
she has nothing to look forward to
because what she does have to look forward to
working at the bar, writing letters of fury to Walmart, catching the Daily Show and hot, random hookups
it's all chasing after wind.
it's meaningless
"socially constructed."
what a sad life to lead. sad outlook to have.

CYT rehearsal this weekend was grand. it smelled like little kid farts and felt like sticky air-heads. it looked like matthew [very small, adorable child] improv dancing to Aslan's return song, and improv dancing like it's his last moments on earth. he's 8. he's fantastic. he asks lots of questions. i'm quite fond of this hilarious child.

after church on Sunday i went to go and study at Panera. Sunday was pretty windy. I put my english folder on top of my car to get the laptop out and the next second hundreds of pretty white essays and information sheets and scrawlings on lined paper tore out of the folder and flew quickly all over the parking lot.
ALL OVER.
and it was still windy, so i'm dashing about as quickly as possible and people are sitting in their cars laughing at me and one old lady starts helping me. we've each got a bajillion papers and it's still windy and some papers are still hiding underneath tires. she gives me my papers back and i collect the few others and put them back in their folder and some girl comes from around the corner with some more papers.
finally i go into panera and two people ask me if i got all of them.
that was just... very entertaining, i'm sure.
[actually. it was kinda funny.]

10.21.2008

fifty.three.

do you ever have those people where you look at them and wonder what they ever DO?
i mean, honestly.
what do you even DO with your life?
i know a few people like that.
i look at my life, and i've got a pretty good sense at how it all plays out
[considering i'm the one living it]
and friends and family, a lot of them i get it.
but some people
[mostly people i don't necessarily know as well, but some i do]
seem like they can't have hardly anything that makes up their life.
anyhow.
i was just thinking about that.
people who don't do anything.
people who don't do anything that i know about, that is.
so they probably do a whole lot
but i'm too self-involved to notice?
drat.
probably true.

i tried to fix my bike today. that bombed, big time.
i put the inner tube on, and took absolutely forever to put the tire back on over the inner tube because i'm completely inept when it comes to putting a tire back on a rim. finally figured out a good way to do it that didn't really always work, but at least it didn't always fail.
feeling very accomplished, i began to pump up the tire when the inner tube popped or exploded, making a loud noise that scared me pretty good.
i gave up.
thursday i think my fellow is coming over to help fix it. that will be grand.
[i think the word "fellow" is a funny word, but we're going to roll with it.]
it just would have been a perfect day for a bike ride today. it was just a perfect day in general, and instead of spending it out and about on a lovely bike ride i spent it inside working on this blasted paper.
i'm over exaggerating, because the paper really isn't that bad.
i just really wanted to say blasted.

i'm beginning to think of christmas, and am getting little thrills. :]]

we got a new bird. i think she likes me best of all. we're beginning to be great friends. i'm teaching her to say really interesting things. she poops too much.

[how very nice it is to be here and not there.
here is nice and good.]

which do you say: yesterday night or last night?

i had something really fantastic to write about, something that really struck me at sociology, but i'm kind of forgetting what it was so i'll save it for later.
for now, answer the question. please.

10.14.2008

fifty.two.

[hold my head inside your hands. i need someone who understands.]

today i purchased two albums.
itunes is my weakness, apparently. and recently.
i never had an issue before, i just never went to the store.
and i found it all confusing.
last week i bought this john mayer i have never heard of, only 7 songs, all very acoustic and fantastic. they were just re-recorded versions of other songs. i had to have them. the album was only 5 dollars.
of course i bought it.
today: bought two albums that i've actually been needing for some time now. titanic & braveheart soundtracks.
[i also have apparently have a weakness for james horner soundtracks.]
i'm listening to titanic right now.
i do not regret my purchases.
i also played titanic on the piano today, and i think james horner might be proud of me. i was really on a roll.
also, marketa irglova would hug me for my tearful rendition of "the hill" which i learned by ear.
we might even be able to play/sing together.
a duet, if you will.

[let me in. unlock the door. i never felt this way before.]

had a grand city trip last saturday, accompanied by friends and a boy that i've turned my claddagh ring around for [!!!]. i love a good city trip. ate some delicious athenian pizza [chicken and garlic and cheese and artichokes. yum!]. played some frisbee in a little park. oh, it was a grand time.

everyday i'm learning a little more how broken we are, and i am.
and it's so sad to see the pieces fall, how i wish we could all fix this and glue back together.
all these beautiful people are so broken.
and they don't even see! they don't even see how blind and broken and scattered and lonely.
they don't think they are.
they search and search and i search and search and we're searching all for the same thing but we all are finding different answers.

[and say you'll come and set me free.]

today was a glorious day outside, not sure if you stepped out at all. i read my Bible outside this morning and wrote a letter to Bon. it smelled delicious and the leaves were falling so softly and i loved it. i worked on my bike a bit ago. did i tell you i have a new bike? it's new old. it's new to me, but pretty dang old and wonderfully old fashioned. i just need some new tires and strong man to help me raise the seat because i can't get the wrench to work right.

ho-hum. must work on projects for advanced composition so that i don't die of insanity and frenzy in several weeks when projects are due...

10.07.2008

fifty.one.

why am i ill again??
after just getting better, i visited fright fest and screamed like an idiot and was not dressed warmly enough.
luckily, i don't have much to do today, so can sit and drink hot tea all day and read and watch old episodes of "Friends" and listen to wonderful music and prepare for Project B for my advanced comp class. Joy! And what a lovely day it is too.
[Fright Fest, however, was jolly good fun, and worth getting sick over.]

i recited my monologue in class yesterday, despite being sick, and my teacher was very kind. it was a Russian piece, almost poetic, about the revolution. fantastic, really. My teacher said my simplicity was great. i felt very relieved, because my teacher can really hound us. there was a Russian girl in the class too, and afterwards she came up and told me that she loved it, and she could just see the Russian colors [what are the Russian colors??] waving. That was a very nice compliment. And now I just get to watch others do monologues for a week or so more, and that is such good fun.

also had a conference with my advanced comp teacher yesterday [sick again for a conference with him. dash it all.] and it went better than before because he remembered who i was and i didn't feel the urge to cry at all, not even once.
this is a remarkable improvement and i feel much better on the whole. i'm doing alright in the class, his advice to me was just to "keep on keeping on" which just means that while i'm not particularly gifted at writing argumentative papers, and my english 101 teacher taught me nothing, he understands and appreciates that i am trying.

after conferencing i had a chat of all chats all full of joyous bittersweetness, causing me to be late to my sociology class by a minute or two. this was quite alright. in sociology we discussed how all consensual crimes should be legalized. my teacher is quite mad, but very compelling.

anyhow, must go and choreograph stunning lyrical number.
oh oh oh, and how wonderful is october? i hope you agree.