one hundred.nine.

i'd like to dedicate a portion of this post to bathroom etiquette.
not in-the-bathroom etiquette, like wash your hands and don't let your kids peek under the stall doors.
more like waiting-for-the-bathroom etiquette. those bathrooms that are just toilet, sink and garbage can. single person use.

i don't understand why people don't knock.

i have no personal issues with this.
just a few words.
even if you look like an idiot because you're knocking on a bathroom door that actually has stalls, just knock.
what if:
the lock is busted?
someone had to pee and forgot to lock the door?
these are viable options.
things like this really happen.
have some common courtesy.
knock on the bathroom door.
otherwise, there is no going back. you open the door. someone is publicly humiliated and scarred for life.
and then!
it doesn't end there.
inevitably, the poor humiliated bathroom person has to go out and face the i-just-can't-knock-before-i-barge-in person, who, of course, stands there waiting for the bathroom person to collect their wits and bravely walk out, trying to think of a way to make light of the situation but really just wanting to crawl into the ceiling and make a getaway without having to see anyone [that's a long sentence].
then comes the awkward smile, the sheepish apology, and the lifetime spent re-living the moment where you could have cracked a joke to make everyone feel better but drew a blank.

also, side note: bathrooms in your home.
just knock.
also. teach your children to knock.
you will do the world a lot of good.

that aside, today at work two people asked for my name and then didn't leave a tip.
got me all excited for nothing.
i work for 5 hours serving food and cleaning tables: 3 dollars in tips.
i work for 1 hour and make 2 hot chocolates and a few coffees: 7 dollars in tips.
i ask you, how is that possible?

saw sherlock holmes tonight and thoroughly enjoyed it. so clever & witty. apparently it didn't get a lot of great reviews, but i am not a sir arthur conan doyle "purist" and therefore was not offended at the "modern, masculine" portrayal of mr. holmes.

just started reading "forest gump." so endearing.

leaving in 3 days for a trip to Florida. i miss the sun. today the sun was out and it looked wonderfully warm. fooled me, at least. it was bitter cold. before we go, though, i have to try and make some biscotti. yum. :]]

one hundred.eight.

oh christmas joys:
snow!
record player.
socks & more socks.
ornament.
books & more books.
mocs.
she & him on vinyl.
sufjan stevens on vinyl.
iron & wine on vinyl.
embarrassing home videos.
[i was an ugly child. truly.]
chai + soymilk.
a hand to keep mine warm.
handmade stationary.
m&m's.
nutella.
another christmas all together.

hope that your christmas was equally lovely. :]]

one hundred.seven.

it's cold in the shop in the early mornings.
customers come in shivering. i use the same lines over and over again.
that's what happens. i find a good solid, conversation starting line and just reuse it with every customer. some witty remark about the cold/asking about holiday shopping/etc...
and when i say "witty" i mean something like:
"pretty cold out, huh?"
or
"i see you're braving the cold to come in this morning!"
or
"how's the holiday shopping going?"

i'm really just a good conversationalist. a real people person.

had to clean the bathrooms here a few days ago. pretty gross, i'm not going to lie. & i consider myself fairly capable when it comes to stinky bathrooms.

today we are brewing ethiopian yergacheff coffee & it smells fantastic.

in other news, the fellow went over his texting limit last month [partially my fault? probably.] and so now we've cut off all casual texting. this proved slightly difficult at first, because while i don't consider myself a huge TEXTER texter, i enjoy the occasional "how is your day going" or "funny story" text. not just with the fellow, too. with tai, lauren, parent or grandparent... but probably most often with the fellow.
however, there are good things about less frequent texting. i will list them:
1. better battery life on my cellphone.
2. i am more involved in situations, i.e. i don't resort to texting when bored/with other people.
3. i'm not as crazy about having my phone with me all the time.

Cinderella has begun, going suprisingly well for having 3 big dances to choreograph and Christmas preparations all at the same time. Did I give up on some homemade Christmas ideas? Yes. i know my limits. someday i'll have time to be really creative with something besides waltz steps.

Tai is going back to school in the spring. I'm a little bit jealous, I do miss school sometimes. just found out recently that one of my research papers that i wrote for English 102 back in the day is being published in the Harper Anthology. it was nice news to recieve, but also strange. made me feel as if i might have missed out on something. you know? some potential that i let slip away by not continuing with school. but i don't even know what i would have done with that, with continued schooling and a degree. it would have been nice to do it though, just for the sake of learning.

went to the Swell Season concert a few weeks back. literally one of the best experiences of my life. Glen Hansard is such an extraordinary performer, so witty & talented & almost endearing. same with Marketa Irglova. & together they are so phenomenal, so different but perfectly paired. the guys from The Frames played with them too, so all in all... a most enjoyable evening. we sang along, and whistled along. a little boy came up on stage and sang the end of "When Your Mind's Made Up" which was amazing. There was about 10 encore perfomances, including some ancient Irish farewell song.
such a neat time, such neat people. a great date too, with pappy & tai.

[i should get back to work...]

one hundred.six.

i'm playing the christmas classics radio station and the christmas shoes song came on. not sure how that qualifies as a classic...

characters you might meet if you worked at a coffee shop [names have been changed to protect their privacy]:

1. "Phil"- the taxi driver turned carnival guy. hoarse voice. never showers. frequently gives customers directions, whether they ask for them or not. Gets a coffee not because it's good, but because it's cheap and he needs the code at the bottom of the receipt to access the internet.

2. "Nancy"- friendliest hospital worker ever. clutches her hands to her heart when wishing you happy holidays. A coffee in a mug and a tea bag for later.

3. "Paul" - student from the local community college. Always tired. Always gets a seven shot White Chocolate Mocha. I start his drink for him before he comes in.

4. "Jim" - some important somebody in the community, something with the chamber of commerce? Important. Small amaretto latte with whip important. Also start his drink for him before he comes in. He calls me Christina and always asks about my weekend.

5. "Edward" and his wife "Bridget" - the British couple. Small latte people, they keep it simple and keep it cool. Sometimes they grab a cookie or a croissant. I ask them questions just to keep them talking. They might get annoyed.

Tonight was one of those nights where you try to make chocolate chip cookies for your boyfriend and it just does not work. Your boyfriend is playing super nintendo mario world with your sister. You are in the kitchen and you make two different batches of cookies and still manage to screw both of them up in one way or another, even though you always make chocolate chip cookies and they turn out just fine. It's just the one time your boyfriend is over and requests cookies that you screw up. Two different batches.

Not that this happened. It was just...y'know...that kind of night.

This week was one of those weeks where your entire family is all together and it's crazy wonderful. Even family from Tennessee makes the trek up to spend Thanksgiving with everyone, and they bring their new daughter that you are both ecstatic and intimidated to hold because she is just so precious.

Crazy wonderful. I love my family. I love six of the cousins on one couch watching Home Alone, constant noise, lots of food. Just as it should be.

one hundred.five.

Watching my mom and sister playing DDR.

I'm sure you can imagine how funny that is.
[written last week. i then got up and played DDR. doubled over in laughter at how ridiculous my sister looked.]

When I was younger, I would read my Bible and imagine that I would find some significant truth in it that no one had discovered in thousands of years. Somehow there would be some special message that would rock the world. Some secret code or phrasing that only I could understand, decipher and share.
I understand this is not the best way to read the Bible. However, it was pretty much totally feasible in my young mind.

I was reading "Into the Wild" but stopped to read "Technopoly" which is effectively making me shake my head every few seconds. Not negative, "what a disappointment" shake, more like hit with a bucket of cold water shake. Shaking up some things I've just not questioned/assumed my whole life. Very interesting.

Today a lady was wiping her eyes while reading Persuasion. I told her I loved that book.
"Isn't it just the best book ever written? It is."
I nodded in agreement to her agreeing with herself.

Spent most of my afternoon today working on Cinderella stuff. That's the next show I'm choreographing [why am I so crazy?]. I'm really looking forward to it, although I'm not used to choreographing waltzing. This will be interesting. Especially going to be fun because my sister is intern choreographing and the fellow has been roped in to help rehearse. It'll be jolly times, no doubt.

I've been writing less and less in the moleskine. Most unfortunate. I feel as if I'm having a more difficult time being motivated to write/expressing myself as easily as I did before. I don't like it. So many changes, sort of wreaks havoc on things. We've all got so little time left of growing up. Still can't get over how strange it is to see us all older and studious or married or working. I really should write because there really are so many things I could be writing about to remember for later on.

Anyhow, I should get on to bed because it's an early morning and a long day tomorrow.
Kanoa says hello.

one hundred.four.

I still want to see Where the Wild Things Are.

I just finished "Feminine Appeal." Great book. Also just finished "Kite Runner." Another great book. Now reading "Into the Wild." Very factual.

I also read a book by Anne Lammot [sp?]. It wasn't what I hoped for.

Last night was double feature terrible movie night with the fellow. He brought up his projector and we watched the movies on the white wall in our living room instead of the television. Really a unique experience, almost felt wasted on two terrible movies. We both picked one terrible movie to watch. His pick: Transformers 2. My pick: She's the Man. We ate scads of peanut M&M's and groaned at terrible dialogue. Too much fun.

Catching a little bit of a break, now that The Hobbit is over. Finding myself home some evenings, able to work out, able to crochet and read more. It's a good feeling. Have a meeting to choreograph Cinderella tomorrow, and the actual show starts getting put together in December. I feel a little crazy, but this show should be easier. Looking forward to working with a new team, with my sister. Lots of waltzing, got to get my ONE two three step on. Going to make the fellow waltz as well, pick me up and throw me in the air. It'll be outstanding.

Amazed, as always, at how the time flies.
Christmas is so soon? I'll be setting up for work in the early mornings and the snow will be flying. Just around the corner.

Tried to buy a car this weekend. Failure. Anyone want to sell me their car?

Less than 3 weeks until Swell Season in Chicago. Couldn't be more excited. :]]

How are you?

one hundred.three.

I am one of those people who like instant results.
At least when it comes to workouts.
I'll get a good sweat going for about 35 minutes, eat a salad, then wake up the next day expecting to see an entirely new me & a new number on the scale.
Despite how many times this has failed I'm still vaguely disappointed when I get up and absolutely nothing has changed.

This quote basically describes my life right now:
"As a life's work, I would remember everything - everything, against loss. I would go through life like a plankton net." Annie Dillard
I might have posted this already. Why do I feel as if I've posted this already.
If I have, forgive the repetitive themes.
I just haven't been recording and catching everything as much, but life continues sailing whether I write it down or not. I hate that feeling, because then when I forget things it's almost as if it never even happened.
Feeling certain that I've said that before. Or read it.

Despite things flying by, they've been lovely things.
Celebrated one year with the fellow. Can't decide if it feels longer or shorter than that.
Still remember when we sat down on the dock at camp, five feet apart because we were just a little scared of each other but wanted to be near. Reminds me of that Joshua Radin song "I'd Rather Be With You," just that first verse because it talks about sitting on the dock & it's raining & we both had things to say. Then months later & sitting at Harper with more things to say. A little over a year ago.
We went to a nice restaurant and both said we felt like we were waiting for our parents. They sat us in these plush chairs where basically our chins made it over the table. Kind of a funny scenario for celebrating one year of dating, feeling like we were 12.

Anyhow. What else? Show is almost ready. I miss dancing.

3 guys who don't have jobs collectively tipped me 20 dollars at work. It was the saddest and sweetest thing, made me want to cry. Here I am hoarding my money and ungraciously demanding paybacks when they who have nothing tip me outrageously just for making them their tea. Lessons learned.

Direct quote from customer: "So, are you going to go back to school or just going to get knocked up and have a kid?"
1. who says that?!
2. there seems to be a general vibe that I'm getting that unless I go to school, I am doing nothing with my life, and also have nothing to talk about. Friends who go to school talk about school. When I'm not going to school, it seems a mouthful to ask "How are you? How's life?" because I can't respond with stories about outrageous teachers, or late night parties, or comparisons on lack of sleep.
I try and tell myself that my life has value whether I go back to school and get a degree or not. Just because I don't get a degree doesn't automatically make me a failure, right? When adults/peers push that on me, I honestly don't know what to say. I don't know exactly where my life is headed or where I'll be next year or five years. But just because I'm not working towards that doesn't mean I'm not working towards other goals, that my life isn't brimming with details like any other life.
You know?

On a lighter & brighter note:
guess who
is seeing
THE SWELL SEASON
in Chicago?
---->

ME!
[with father & sister]
so extremely joyous.
And on Dec. 4th!
the city will all be lit up...

one hundred.two.

I obtained a good amount of excellent music this week, including the new Decemberists album, Monsters of Folk album & the new David Gray album. I'm so excited to drive to work now, such wonderful new music to listen to. The thing with the Decemberists album is that it's a complete story from beginning to end, so I feel I must do it justice & listen to it in its entirety, at least at first. Thursday morning gave me an excellent opportunity to just do that, seeing as I'm supposed to meet the manager at work at 5:30 to go in and open up before the coffee shop officially opens at 6. I arrive early, 5:20, and listened to the album on the way over to work. The manager decides it would be a good morning to forget to set his alarm and doesn't arrive until 6:20, well after we're supposed to be open. So, good news, I got through the album. 

Have I mentioned that the fellow is back? No, probably not. But there, now I have & it's the truth, been back for a week now. It's wonderful. 

Felt as if I had fascinating story/hilarious tidbit/anecdote with profound implications to share. Am now feeling slightly muddled & can't quite remember what it was. Trying to think of it reminds me of grabbing for the light string in the closet in the early mornings. I turn on the closet light to find my work clothes at 4:30 in the morning. It's so dark & I'm so tired that I just swing my hand around back and forth, searching for the thin string that inevitably is hooked to the side or something. It's pointless. I should just go back to bed.

one hundred. one.

My body is heavy, too tired to bear its own weight. 

Every second I slip into a slightly more slumped position.

Soon I'll be just a heap on the floor.

Blegh. 10 hours at work and 1 crappy movie is enough for one day. I'm through. 

What did brighten this gloom is a message from the fellow. We both shared great stories from our day via facebook message [the most romantic form of communication, obviously]. His was that he tackled pumping some outhouses at camp today. I won't go into the gory details, but it makes for a funny episode if you enjoy that stinky, fecal matter side of humor. My story is as follows, copied from the message so that I don't have to retype. 

Story: This one old guy walks in, and I asked, like I always do: "Hello! How are you doing today?" So this old guy gets super mad, and says "I KNEW you were going to ask me that!" Obviously, I'm confused at his reaction, so I give him a questioning look. 
"I don't know you and you don't know me!" he says. "Why would you ask me that? I was happy before you asked."
"And now you're not? Because I asked?" I said, trying to be upbeat.
"Correct. I want a small coffee."
I get him a small coffee. He remarks on the cheap price [which turns out to be sarcasm], then says: "You know what? The biggest percentage of people who ask that question are young and unmarried women." He's saying all of this in just the rudest tone. Like I'm an idiot. And offensive. 
"Are you sure it doesn't have more to do with the fact that I'm...working behind a counter?" I ask. I'm getting mad. Sometimes when I get mad I start to cry, so I'm trying not to cry at this point. But I'm still trying to be upbeat.
"No. It's because you don't know or understand the trials and tribulations of life yet. And let me tell you something, honestly. I'm being honest. I'm never coming back here again. I'm serious. I won't be back. McDonald's gives senior citizens coffee for 50 cents." He makes a face like I am ridiculous, grabs his coffee, says "God Bless" and walks out.

What a wretched ordeal. I honestly just didn't know how to respond. I have this thing that maybe falls into typical lines of human nature that I wish to be liked and accepted, and if someone has a problem with me I really don't like it. I don't appreciate conflict or drama. I'm kind of an up front person. So while I appreciated his candor and honesty, I had no idea how to take someone being so outlandishly rude to me. Who does that?!

I'd honestly just rather be cleaning up crap with the fellow in the U.P. than dealing with that old, crabby man.

one hundred.

made it! it's a little sad that it's taken me all this time to get to 100 posts, but it is what it is.

worked today. sliced my finger open today. Oh, the hazards of working in a kitchen. knives & sharp edges. I'm so clumsy that it's bound to happen. I don't know how I haven't dropped heaps of plates yet. Truly a miracle.
Then got home & Tai said she was going up to hang out at Lake Geneva so I tagged along. We sat in a coffee house and read and I took a nap on a couch they had there after drinking some soy hot chocolate which is so comforting. Nothing in the world like soy hot chocolate.
Ate so much junk today, but I try & justify it by saying that I did work out this morning! Altogether extraordinary, but also not, because somehow I've been managing to keep it up. Again, truly a miracle.
Things eaten:
2 cookies, fresh baked [thank you Tai]
drank a soy hot chocolate [i figure soy is good, right?]
ate a gallon of Cold Stone ice cream, yummm. It was long overdue.
After the coffee shop we walked down and sat on the pier.
Tai sketched and I marveled at the choppy water.
When I was younger I used to take the world so literally. In my Dad's art class he would constantly tell me not to draw after what I thought the world looked like, but really look at it.
A difficult task for left-brained child.
I figured since water was blue-green, when I drew choppy water it would be the same, that same consistent color.
But when the water is choppy & glinting off of sun and sky it's so many different colors.
Truly boggles the mind.
Glinting gold where the sun hits it, then white and the lightest blue, vibrantly reflected.
Then murky grays and surprising purplish hues.
Alive with so many more colors than you would initially think of.
It was mesmerizing.
Stared at the water until two older men pulled around in their boat and started singing "Sitting in the evening sun..."
We figured that was our cue to leave.

Reading "The Reason for God." What an excellent read. So much of it is so relevant. Finished the chapter today on the innate knowledge of God. Don't know why, but the chapter was almost heartbreaking.
Also have really enjoyed countless references to people who hold to the belief that there is no ultimate truth, no ultimate reality, no ultimate meaning for life [i.e. my sociology teacher]. I loved the quote he gave from C.S. Lewis:
"But you cannot go on "explaining away" for ever: you will find that you have explained explanation itself away. You cannot go on "seeing through" things for ever. The whole point of seeing through something is to see something through it. It is good that the window should be transparent, because the street or garden beyond it is opaque. How if you saw through the garden too?...a wholly transparent world is an invisible world. To "see through" all things is the same as not to see."
So interesting.

Speaking of books, I read "The Shack" a little while back. I really should journal my thoughts more about books I read so I remember them, because I can barely remember now why I thought the book was so ridiculous. I think my memory is failing me already. Devestating.

A man with a British accent came in today & ordered a spicy grouper sandwich. When I worked on the coffee side he would come in and order a latte sometimes. Fantastic.

I listened to some Camera Obscura yesterday and really enjoyed it. Never heard them before, I don't think.
Is it possible to go and see The Swell Season when they come to Chicago? It very well might be. I want to be one of THOSE people. Those live show people. You know?
Do you ever have that? Sometimes I do. I want to be part of some club. Some live show club, or creative photography club. Or amazing artists club or eclectic dresser club. Or poetry reading and writing club or theater genius club. Festival going club. Wine drinking club. Knitting club.
Sometimes I do. Want to be in that club.
You know?

Anhow, that should be it for tonight. Post 100 is gargantan.
As it should be. 100 is a big number.

p.s. forgot to mention fantastic music makers club. those people who can pull songs out of their instruments like nuggets of gold. that would be a great club.

ninety.nine.

Read a post that a friend wrote about growing older and such, plus Tai and I were talking about friends and family growing up and moving on. Then found this in my journal from a while back. I guess not much changes:

Why must we pull away?

Shove away?

Detangle ourselves like unraveling pieces of thread?

Tonight I am tired.

tired of change

& separation

& loneliness. 

I'm frightened to pull away from those I've grown with

Those I feel somewhat entwined with.

I'm tired of change,

of growing older & more weary

of carrying burdens too big.

I'm scared of those I love pulling away from those I love.

we're stretching at the seams

[what if soon one of us snaps off?]

Nights like tonight make me want to hold on to those good things I have.

Nights like tonight I pray for God to mend us fraying beings.

I teach theater on the weekends. The show that I'm doing now has a lot of newer kids, a lot of younger kids. At first I was kind of worried about it, that there wasn't necessarily as much experience. However, this is working out really well. It's good to see kids excited about theater again. A lot of the shows I've worked with, many of the kids have done theater for so long they take it for granted. But these younger or newer kids are excited about everything, not judgmental, ready to learn even if they are pretty rambunctious. Good to see, good to be a part of. At this point I'm not as worried about how the show turns out just because I know these kids are trying as hard as they can. I know later on I'll be stressing about what everything looks like, but for now it's just enough that we're all ready and excited to put it all together. They totally remind me of what it used to be like when I joined theater when I was 13. Everyone was a little awkward and new and excited.

Watching "Breakfast Club" for the first time. Wow, everyone is crazy. 

ninety.eight.

A trip to the city, visiting friends.

Bonnie tells Amy & I that she hates the city, because she lives down there and she's tired of the atmosphere.

I know I could never live in the city, but I do love a good visit. 

I love feeling on the outside of it all, looking in. 

When I was younger I used to want to live in the city. 

I would be that lady, that intelligent, darkly witty, deep & self-absorbed woman. 

Dripping with style, but in an understated way.

I would be that lady that stares straight ahead on her way to vastly important museum exhibit openings, poetry readings & performances.

I used to kind of see that, kind of want that. 

I can see now that this is my selfish, introverted side. There are so many things more important, worth following after & holding onto. 

Walking back to the train, I tried to look up and see the sky

but buildings were too tall. 

Everyone is forced to stare at themselves in large glass windows

to stare at large, colorful advertisements

stare past everyone else

[heaven forbid you smile at the passing lady or glance at the homeless man].

It's better this way, better for me to have grown up small town. 

Bonnie says she tries to break the pattern down, smile at someone on the train, talk to random people like she found so easy to do on her road trip around and stops in hokey towns. We agreed it's a lot more about connection, not coldness. So much anxiety comes from that lifestyle, I think.

A good trip to the city, some good perspective and good chats in spite of our failure of a cafe stop.

ninety.seven.

Finally made it to the end of "An American Childhood." Too excellent for words. This goes somewhere in the top of my favorites.
[i love books.]

back to work at the coffee shop today.
surprise.
they have me working on the fish market side as well. guess who gets to learn how to cut meat & fish and serve them? me.
i'm a little intimidated.
and by a little, i mean a lot.
but hey. I learned how to make a mean latte. I think I can handle a sandwich.
[maybe.]

date with pappy today. it was wonderful, per usual. got some of the best pizza and then went for a walk in an enchanted forest. talked of life. reminisced. he doesn't like me growing up. sometimes i wonder if he really knows i'm 21 or just thinks that i'm joking.
i know he hopes i'm joking. that he'll blink and i'll be 6 again, swinging my legs on our dates & licking my lips & lisping when i talk. he hopes he'll wake up and see his kids playing outside already, dreaming up adventures for summer days, filling up autumn with making leaf piles, using leaves that we steal from our neighbors to make the piles extra large. he'd like to go back to when we didn't have one foot out the door, back to when life was simple & Daddy was the biggest, smartest, strongest man we knew.
but he also does want us to find fulfillment in leading rich & Godly lives, on our own, coming back to visit often with our kids.
he told me it was complicated.
i'm trying to keep up.
he's got a lot on his mind, lately.
he's trying to keep up.
he really is a dear.

ninety.six.

at times i am overwhelmed by the sheer mass of things i do not know in comparison with the things i do. 

or not even in comparison. 

just there, all by itself. 

i'm overwhelmed by the sheer mass of things i do not know.

at times the lines between the two blur so much that i forget what i do know and pretend to know things that i don't.

this is frustrating.

today was frustrating, in some ways.

also very good because i went to Wal-mart and spent 50 dollars on organization tools for the bedroom. YES. 

fact: fifty bucks does not actually buy a whole lot. 

but i did manage to score a closet organizer, hangers, some rubbermaid containers and 2 canvas...storage things. also, a bag of peanut m&m's. 

after two hours of work, the room is still a pit.

instead of cleaning i am blogging.

however, it does look a lot better than it did, and i spent a considerable amount of time in the closet. i got rid of a bunch of old clothes and COLOR COORDINATED the rest. that's right. it's amazing what a little color coordination can do. 

so i decided to take a break. blog. eat a ton of tuna and crackers. look up lyrics to a song i heard/liked today. i know you're interested. here's the last half [it's by joshua radin]:

it hasnt felt like this before 
it hasnt felt like home

before you 

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way 
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could, 
I can't get my mind off of you 

and I hate the phone, 
but I wish you'd call, 
thought being alone, 
was better than, was better than... 

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way 
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could, 
I can't get my mind off of you. 

it's a little cheesy. but also good. actually one of the only reasons i like it is because it says "i hate the phone." when i heard that i pressed it to play it from the top. fact: i hate the phone. also because, hello, i miss the fellow. any song that talks about missing someone i listen to again to hear if we are singing the same song. you know? 

anyways. don't laugh.

4 minutes until nine. i'm going to do some more productive work here. make some magic happen. 

wish me luck. :]]

ninety.five.

ever made a list of things you don't want to admit?
done.
a little bit therapeutic.
& sad.
& fun. in a dramatic sort of way.
try it.

today i got asked if i had ever considered being a model by a stranger lady. that was nice of her. 

just recently returned from a trip to Michigan. 

i think Michigan would make the list of my top 3 favorite places in the world. I haven't been to a whole lot of places, but still. I'd count it. 

While up there, I saw a young deer die while listening to Casimir Pulaski Day. traumatizing? maybe. i don't know what it is about animals dying, but it is honestly one of the most distressing things. especially when listening to that song, which at one point was one of my favorites but now holds haunting images.  

that aside, the rest of the time proved to be mostly fantastic. the fellow came down & surprised me on a day off, just came rolling around the corner to cherry republic in his huge truck. before i even saw it, i knew he was coming. I just heard the diesel round the corner and clutched my heart in a dramatic fashion. trust me, it was good. after a good deal of shaking and exclamations we got on with our bittersweet six hours. climbed a big dune. ate some pizza. said goodbye...again. only 46 days left. but today is almost tomorrow & then it'll be 45. 

On a whim we [the group, not Curt & I] decided to go and see 500 days of Summer at this random movie theater in Traverse City. Was it one of the best ideas the entire trip? Yes. Yes it was.

We walk in after paying the student price of six dollars [not bad]. The seats are plush and reclining. The ceiling is a starry sky, a perfect replica of the August night sky, done by a local star-gazer [what is that profession called? it escapes me...]. We have a formal greeting by some theater employee. A short clip of a movie begins to play, it looks like some random indie local film. SURPRISE. it's a proposal video. the couple is in the theater. It's a two for one, we see a movie, we're part of a proposal, the evening ends famously. The movie was great. 

The trip also included drinking way too many cherry Arnold Palmer's, sleeping on the hammock one night [divine] and a 3 hour lazy river trip where we played movie trivia the entire time. 

and lots of eating. 

some shopping, i bought a random tapestry from a random hippie shop. i figure one day i'll hang it somewhere. i'm going to regard it as a smart buy, rather than a foolish impulse buy. 

on the way home we all answered some survey questions and ended up shedding a few layers of skin. 

it's good for friends to do that, sometimes. probably more often than we tend to. 

i learned a lot about the people i've known for years. just want to hold onto them a little more now, stay a little closer, 

even though we all seem to be flying away in separate directions. 

back in the real world now, dragging my feet about jumping into fall [ha. jumping into fall]. 

i still have a job, so that's a huge relief. i'll be keeping relatively busy, even while trying to simplify. 

my autumn goal: cook. 

just cook some more and cook good. i've gotten more and more on this healthy, good living kick. Not just eating right or working out, but stressing less and simplifying. 

Purging. 

Anyhow, I figure I should learn how to cook. It's just a good thing to learn, regardless of how well I follow through with the other things. 

3 minutes until tomorrow. I should head to bed. Had a long day in the city breaking in my new shoes and being told I should look into modeling. Difficult times. 

ninety.four.

to do:

make ipod playlist of upbeat songs for car ride to michigan

make ipod playlist of chill songs for car ride to michigan

pack

finish making hat with ambitious knit edge

re-evaluate packing job

unpack unnecessary items

repack

charge camera batteries

mow lawn

make 12 pounds of ground beef for taco meat/sloppy joe meat for trip

make something sweet or just dig into the nutella

workout

shower

re-evaluate packing job and pack one more sweatshirt

stay off computer

can't get enough of "Elephants" by Rachael Yamagata right now. 

what a sadlovely song.

going to go & eat some raisin toast & forget about my to do list for another hour.

ninety.three.

Finally sitting at home again. It's been a long time.
But good. It's been grand.
How has your summer been?

After a blissful 6 weeks of camp which I could not begin to cover, I came home [somewhat ambivalent].
Slept in my own bed for one night, then off again to Myrtle Beach for a family reunion.
It began as I think all family reunions do: people that i've never met hugged me and started to assign various features on my face as being passed down from other people i've never met.
I love history in things, things with a story. Like antiques. Something passed down, held on to. So even though it's a little funny, I like hearing about where my face is from, the kind of people who've had my strange toes. I like having a history.
Lots of stories. we heard a lot of stories at the family reunion. sometimes i can get so caught up in myself, in the day-to-day that i forget to realize other stories. another day-to-day. when i remember that, it just makes things so much more interesting. lots of great stories and observations about a family, about love and acceptance and living together and fighting together.

while down there, my great-grandparents [who got married when she was 16 and he 17] renewed their vows on the beach. 60 years of marriage and he can't stop telling her how pretty she looks and she can't stop picking up after him and bringing him whatever he needs. it's an amazing legacy.

leaving Myrtle Beach we stopped off to visit some other family in Tennessee. Went to bed late and woke up at 6 to go for a 12 mile bike ride in the mountains. You would not believe how lovely that was. Really and truly.

10 or 11 hours later we found ourselves back home.
It might be nice to settle back into the swing of things. We have one more vacation up to Michigan and then routine happens again.

Some things have changed.
I'm 21.
Not really feeling 21. I always thought 21 was old, that by 21 I'd have everything figured out.
I don't feel that way at all. But it's ok. I feel good feeling 11 at 21.
Some things stay the same.
I still am fighting a nail-biting habit.
And still conquering the i-should-work-out battle.
I don't feel much different.
Always just little shifts, you know? Little things move and alter me and i hardly notice along the way. Then I look back and i feel much different than a year ago but no different than yesterday.

I'm reading "An American Childhood" by Annie Dillard and can't even tell you how much I like it. Excellent read. I feel more alive at every chapter, at every uncanny anecdote.

The fellow isn't coming home for another long while, something like 70 days? More like 60 now, I suppose. It's rough. I know time will fly, even though 10 days has felt like 100. He'll be home in no time and I'll be able to stop thinking of sappy parting song lyrics to fill my time [sad but true].

Later than I thought. Must be off to bed.

ninety.two.

I leave at 5 in the morning. What a bittersweet day. Every year it's strange to leave my family and friends behind, for different reasons. This year is the same, strange in a different way. I'll miss them much.
There is so much change going on this year that sometimes I'm scared to let time slip by. I know I'll come back and things will be different and sometimes that's a hard feeling. Everyone is just getting all old and growned up.

However, I'm all happy to see the fellow. It's nice to have someone up there, a good face to see when I arrive.

Don bought me a free lunch at work my last day there. That was nice. He told me that I brought sunshine to the work place. Ohhh Donald. He is such a funny man, but really sweet too. In a funny way.

I suppose I'll see you later then, sometime in July or August. It'll be good to really get back to the old moleskine, one of the many reasons I love camp. Also, some good old-fashioned letter writing, with stamps and envelopes and handwriting.

I'll miss you & see you soon.

ninety.one.

We used to have this woman as our General Manager. She was Russian, and sometimes would talk Russian to us, mostly when she was angry. 

She was hilarious.

She told us that she thought Jack Nicholson was hot & said "Outstanding!" whenever something smelled or tasted good.

She doesn't work with us anymore.

Instead we have Don, the new GM. 

I'm happy that I don't actually have to work with Don, because then I can just really enjoy his strange quirks.

Like his rad little safari hat that he wears to block the sun. And wears inside. Or just carries it with him around the place.

And his insistence to take care of the big umbrellas outside and the huge gallons of milk even though he has a tough time of it.

Also, one time he stocked the change drawer for us. After he stocked it we had no pennies, one roll of quarters, one roll of nickels and forty dollars in dimes. All morning, Bethany [who works with him more and gets tired of his quirks] stomped around yelling "FORTY DOLLARS?! WHY THE HELL DID HE LEAVE US WITH FORTY DOLLARS IN DIMES?!?!" I just laughed. When Don came in she calmly told him that he had left us forty dollars in dimes. Don smiled, nodding his head and flopping his safari hat, telling Bethany that at least she was well stocked with dimes. 

My last day of work is in a week. I'll miss that place.

ninety.

flipped through some old photos today.
OLD old.
it's a really humbling experience. I was such a dork.
& I know everyone says that,
but
really. I was.
Moreso than you, I bet.
To top it all off, I know that I'm different now, i've grown & all, but I still am awkward sometimes.
you know?
like when teenagers haven't grown into their limbs and move funny?
that's me, now.
sometimes.
but i don't necessarily feel like that, I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin.
it's just when i see photos/videos of myself.
it's funny.
it's good.
back then, though, i thought i was hot stuff, so i would put myself in full view of the camera as often as possible
striking seemingly attractive poses.
[big mistake. they were not attractive.]

also, today i dug out my old camp shirts to wash before i bring them up again.
I've got a lot of them, I discovered.
Only eleven days until I see the fellow again.
He got lost in the woods a few days ago, but founds his way back out.
Ohhh Curtis...

Hmm. time to watch alias and eat oreos.
[i've gotten sucked in. what a great show.]

eighty.nine.

what a long day[s]. 

i like a good bonfire underneath the stars, though. 

& a nice back massage from nora.

another long day tomorrow. last show of Mulan that i've been helping out with/babysitting kiddies. then move-out and grad parties. 

question: why is everyone getting so old and graduating?

sometimes i think: i should play the piano more often. wouldn't that be nice?

these last two weeks before camp are going to be craziness. i didn't think there would be a lot to do, but really, there is. 

buy a watch, for one. shoot.

also, fix my CAR. shoot.

exactly two weeks from this moment i'll be sleeping in a bunk in the U.P.

that's nice to think of.

p.s. did i ever mention that i finished life of pi? because i did. and i was happy that i did. 

p.s.s. did i mention that i've done a terrible job of running these last two weeks? because i have. i fail.

eighty.eight.

i've been feeling a little vulnerable lately.
or maybe bottled or maybe solitary.
or maybe lonely.
or maybe
hopeful.
or maybe
not.

[i'm saying it again.] i love the people who come into the coffee shop.
some of them are so quick to share stories.
you know?
they just desire this connection with someone, they just want to tell someone their story.
most often it's something sad.
but even those sad things are sweet, in a strange way.
you know?
a man came in who works at the hospital and told us about how a 15 year old girl and her 16 year old boyfriend tried to deliver their baby at home. the baby had complications and when the medics arrived they couldn't revive it.
Bill, a frequent customer, came in and ordered his tea and told us he has lymphoma. he just started treatments.
A woman came in and signed a forget-me-not for her best friend, Billy, who was just admitted to a nursing home and is in the more serious stages of Alzheimer's.
These three stories came in within hours of each other, yesterday morning. it's so interesting how people long for other people to know and seek to care about them. i wish i could explain this more, because it doesn't seem all that interesting when i write it out, but in that moment it really just stops me.
you know?

later on yesterday, i locked my keys in my car and [foolishly] called the cops. in the process of trying to open my doors he broke two locks [the two front doors], and left his slim jim sticking into the window of my back right window. he couldn't get it out, and he never got the doors unlocked. he left me standing in the rain & waiting for my mother to come with the extra keys. the back left door was originally broken. so now, in order to drive, i have to climb in the back right door and over to the drivers seat.
thank you, police officer.
it's all ok, though. my car still drives. gets me from point A to point B.

this morning i had some Enchanted Forest sweet almond tea with some steamed soymilk while listening to She & Him. What an excellent time.
I like Rachael Yamagata.
And the poem "Dover Beach."
I like the loveliness of the song "Unplayed Piano"

I've decided.
I'm going to stick with vulnerable.
& that's that.
[with a little bit hopeful.
always.always.hopeful.]

eighty.seven.

wrote this bit on a receipt slip at work. we were unbelievably slow.

Is it lame that I sort of enjoy the sappy sweet sadness of "You could be happy" by Snow Patrol?
We have 4 customers in the shop now, sitting down & enjoying free wi-fi or pleasant company.
One man who came in lost, needed directions.
A couple who comes in every once in a while & always orders 4 apple cinnamon walnut scones: 2 to eat in house and 2 to bring home for later. She drives a school bus & he meets her here. She's a very expressive talker.
There's also a man that's been sitting here for a while. He's a newer regular, the large Earl Grey tea guy. He was happy I remembered him & his order this morning, so he tipped a dollar. He's set up at his table with his computer. He spends half his time typing & the other half staring out the window. Uusually he doesn't stare so much. I wonder what he's thinking about.
Alex and his wife [the scone couple] gave a dollar for tip and a dollar for Alzheimers.
The next lady who walked in the door, the lady who will always be remembered as Decaf w/ cream who left a mess in the bathroom [wouldn't you hate to be remembered for that? but we can't help it, that's who she is.], she also gave a dollar for Alzheimers.
But you could tell that she didn't really care either way and just felt bad saying no with all of the signed Forget-me-not flowers staring her in the face, names of those people who had been generous before her. So she said yes and scrawled her name on a Forget-me-not too.
The tray that holds the bagels just fell & made me jump out of my skin.

My mom was looking up quilts on ebay yesterday. I love quilts. I think when I have my own house I will have a thousand quilts, draped everywhere. & i will read Real Simple magazine all the time.

eighty.six.

to read - the short list:

A Man Without a Country

East of Eden [again]

To Kill a Mockingbird

The Sun Also Rises

Forest Gump

On the Road

just finished:

The Hobbit

still working on:

Sophies World

I think it might be unreasonable to try and tackle them all this summer, but I'm going to give it my best shot.

sometimes, at work, i try and imagine the kinds of things that customers would send in to Post Secret. i'm way too invested in the lives of people i don't know. or creating imaginary lives for them. we're supporting the Alzheimer's Association this month, and sometimes people get really sad when they leave a dollar. One lady told me about how her father had Alzheimer's, and a different lady talked about her mom. It's so sad, but at the same time I really enjoy being able to talk to these strangers for a moment or two. You learn so much.

only 25 days. it's practically nothing at all. granted, the last three weeks have been difficult because we've had basically no communication besides infrequent, short, garbled phone conversations with bad connections. only once, when curt climbed to the top of the communications tower to make a call did we have a good connection. but now they've done some work to the lines and two days ago we had a perfectly normal phone conversation & it was lovely.

sometimes i feel like a djembe. this is important.

the day is lovely out and peeking through my window. must dash out and get some good sun. i hope you find some time to do the same. 

eighty.five.

i ate so terribly today. 

first bad move: i didn't eat anything until 1, after being up since 6. then i ate a bagel [we were really busy at work getting ready for some kind of mixer for the chamber of commerce.]. 

second bad move: so hungry for anything & since i was driving, i opted to skip the salad and eat a hot dog with fries instead. thank you portillos.

third bad move: tai and i stopped for ice cream from culvers on the way home. i got bananas on mine to make myself feel better. fruit!

fourth bad move: i came in and discovered my mom had made fresh cookies. thanks mom.

there is this guy who has come into the coffeehouse several times since i've started working there. the first time he came in, he told me that he wanted to twirl fire sticks in the parking lot as part of an arts show that we host every month. he said that it shouldn't be a problem because they are pretty safe, and no one would get in trouble as long as the cops didn't drive by for a few minutes.

the next time i saw him he came in and bashed the coffeehouse. my work kind of has the reputation of being a sort of indie coffee place, just because it doesn't take much to be considered indie in these parts. use some cups made from plants, be locally owned, play some indie music [occasionally mixed with motown], and boom. People feel good about stopping, they think they're saving the planet with their morning skim latte. SO, back to the story, this guy comes in and tells us we are not green at all, but are in fact ruining the planet by offering pre-packaged sugar. real sweetheart. 

then he came in today with sad news: it's his last time in. he leaves next week for colorado or something. he's going to smoke some joints and talk to this guy about making a "sustainable community." he then began to tell me how he plans to package his bulk grain and beans while he travels.

so basically, he's hardcore. we'll miss the crazy fire dancer guy. 

almost 38 days until i see the fellow again. communication so far has been pretty limited to long voicemail messages and the occasional quick phone conversation [once when i was half-asleep and once in the middle of the new X-men movie.].

i just sneezed a gargantuan sneeze & feel much better.

also, i think it's funny how differently people sneeze.

eighty.four.

sophie's world is interesting:

[Alberto]"We can't all let ourselves be washed away by the tide of history, Sophie. Some of us must tarry in order to gather up what has been left along the river banks."

[Sophie]"What an odd thing to say."

[A]"Yes, but none the less true, child. We do not live in our own time alone; we carry our history within us. Don't forget that everything you see in this room was once brand new. That old sixteenth-century wooden doll might have been made for a five-year-old girl's birthday. By her old grandfather, maybe . . . then she became a teenager, then an adult, and then she married. Maybe she had a daughter of her own and gave the doll to her. She grew old, and one day she died. Although she had lived for a very long time, one day she was dead and gone. And she will never return. Actually she was only here for a short visit. But her doll - well, there it is on the shelf."

[S]"Everything sounds so sad and solemn when you talk like that."

[A]"Life is both sad and solemn. We are let into a wonderful world, we meet one another here, greet each other - and wander together for a brief moment. Then we lose each other and disappear as suddenly and unreasonably as we arrived."

Alberto goes on to discuss the Renaissance, the rebirth, and the "rebirth of antiquity's humanism," and the lifting up of the individual. Marsilio Ficino said during this time: "Know thyself, O divine lineage in mortal guise!"

My Dad painted a huge painting called "The Second Question." The first panel of this painting simply asks: "Who are you?" The reason it's called The Second Question is because the first question should be "Who is Jesus?" 

I think sometimes I get caught up in being introspective and trying to know who I am. I switch the order of the questions. I know a lot of people who do the same, who constantly are on a search for who they are. Often I forget Paul's words, that in Christ we live and move and have our being. The footnotes of my Bible explain that here Paul answers three of the great mysteries of the ancient world in terms of philosophy and science: life, motion and being. 

There is an order to things. Ask first who is Christ, seek to know Him before I can seek to know who I am.  

This is not so much a light bulb moment as a rediscovery of something I need to be reminded of, and clicked again when I was reading about the Renaissance. This book is much better the second time around & when read side-by-side with Sovereignty of God.

[confession: sometimes when I comment on other blogs, i get nervous for them to read what i write, so I just comment with a fake name. i know, it's silly.] 

Today at work, Sabrina and I cleaned the windows with coffee filters that were the wrong size for our big coffee machines. Instead of tossing them we use them for cleaning to save paper towels/dishtowels. That's right, we are innovative. We listened to "Say a Little Prayer for You" whilst cleaning and we busted some moves out. We also heard "Fire and Rain" which I discovered makes me full of happy feelings. Is that song from the Remember the Titans soundtrack? Any song from that soundtrack makes me happy & i don't really know why... that movie must have really made an impact on my life as a child?

p.s. 46 days.

eighty.three.

the fellow left this morning. 

it's all very sad. 

i can think of a hundred things to tell him at this exact moment, partially because i know i can't just pick up the phone and tell them to him. 

seven weeks seems like a long time. but when i say 48 days it seems shorter. and tomorrow it'll only be 47. so i know we'll be alright.

in order to keep myself from falling into morose self pity, and also to get in shape, tai and i have decided to work up to running a half marathon. we have this whole training thing to stick to, and as of today we are feeling pretty confident. we begin to tomorrow, so i'll have to get back to you on that. 

other things on my list of things to do to make the time fly/because i should:

write more in my moleskine

finish sophie's world

start & finish another book on my list of books

finish Sovereignty of God.

play the piano

choreograph a dance for myself, not for a class or anything. just choreograph a dance that i want to dance.

cook something extra delicious every week. or just cook something.

detox week went alright. i didn't get as much sleep as one should. i ate alright, but didn't drink enough water. i consistently didn't wear make-up. 

tai & mumsy are watching Alias. it's all very confusing.

the clouds for the sunset tonight looked so abstract. not your average, 4th grade drawing of puffy clouds, or the wispy ones. they just looked like the Painter was experimenting with different shapes and depths, & it was all a bit hazy. i wonder if you saw the same thing.

eighty.two.

oh, but it's lovely outside. i watched a starling splash about in a muddy puddle in front of our house this morning. i was reading my book, "sophies world." have you ever read it? i tried to read it for school when i was younger, but very little of the history of philosophy clicked for me. now, reading it again, it's much more intriguing.

someone has made an offer on our house. the more real moving becomes the harder it seems to say goodbye to this drafty old house. dash it all.

watched "the burbs" last night with the fellow. tom hanks = star quality actor. come on now, don't even try to disagree.
the fellow leaves in four days. don't remind me.

yesterday sabrina from work told me i should be a singer. that was nice of her. she said she could just picture me singing in a smoky jazz club or something. i think the people from work have a funny view of me. elena, the Russian boss, tells me i look like a classic country girl. eric, the big chef from next door tells me i look like a pilgrim/jive. i don't quite know how to take all of this.

this week is detox week. i don't really think it's your typical detox, but my sister and i made up our own lists of how we were going to detox: no makeup, no fast food, only juice and water and tea and milk to drink, workout everyday, get enough sleep... actually i guess it's not a detox week at all. it's just a week of how we'd like to live our lives. we're just calling it detox week.

i like writing about conversations. like this:
We both thought we'd have more to say when we said hello.
We efficiently mingled politeness & interest while greeting
Only to discover that time had created a larger expanse than initially perceived.
Instead of a conversation swelling with topics like tides
Rushing & falling into the last
We find talking flat & motionless
Stepping only in the shallowest waters &
Leaping out when we've only just got our feet wet.
The silence is too much, so
You smile lightly
[detachedly]
So nice to see you and catch up. Really must run.
Oh, yes. Me too.
You wave lightly
[distractedly]
& leave me shaking with the fullness of what we didn't say.
[The next time we see each other, we turn the other way.]

eighty.one.

two of my current favorite songs are about men drinking while missing their women [why do i: joe purdy & grace is gone: dave matthews live @ radio city.].

i thought it was funny. 

then again, i have a lot of current favorite songs so it's not hard for two songs to be similar in content.

this week will be really full, i think. this last weekend was very full. some friends had a surprise party for me, a very early happy 21 surprise party. no one was drunk, but we still managed to have an excellent time. 

a man came into work and ordered a small white chocolate mocha, and then went over to the corner and began to stretch. 

"oh. don't mind me. i'm just stretching."

i was alone in the front and kind of nodded, then figured it was safe to talk about the weather.

"is it getting nice out there?"

"oh yeah. real nice. so, how early do you open?"

"we open here at six during the week."

"oh. so do you just work here alone?"

i paused. 

"uhmm...no. i work with my manager, sabrina. we work together."

"oh."

he paused.

"...i mean, i was just asking. you know. because it would be a pain if you got a rush and were working alone."

after he left i told sabrina what he said and we spent the next hour planning what we do if he came in and attacked us. I think we are pretty well prepared now.

i'm a little tired & a little contemplative. 

oh, you know. same old same old. 

eighty.

eighty is good. eighty is twenty away from one hundred.

i'm twenty years old now.

i feel like you're not able to be called old until you're eighty.

if you're eighty...i'm sorry. i would call you old.

i feel like if i was eighty, i wouldn't mind being called old anymore.

last friday i heard two different stories from fathers about their daughters.

one man had a 29 year old daughter. he said she was the dearest thing to him. he said when the nurses handed her to him & she was wearing that little pink hat, he lost it. she had him right there and has had him ever since. she wanted to learn the piano, and he bought her a piano.

20 years later she plays him moonlight sonata and he said he couldn't help but cry.

i liked that story. that was a train man.

another man was an artist living in the flat iron arts building. he said that his daughter was fifty. that's all he had to say about her, because they don't really talk. 

he said he tries to stay away from her as much as possible.

i didn't like that story. 

got my wallet back today from aaron, the nice wallet guy. thanks aaron. he was very nice & friendly. everything was in there. how blessed am i, to lose a wallet in wicker park and have the nicest man find it and return it? so blessed. 

our house is up for sale.

i hope it does sell so we can move closer to friends/family/the fellow.

i hope it doesn't sell so we can get a  kitten named atticus [curt thought of atticus.]

::note:: curt is worried that readers of this blog might not realize that "the fellow" and "curt" are, in fact, the same person. i realize that i use both names when referring to him. i'm hoping you've caught on to that...

kanoa needs to go outside & i need to go to bed. 

[happy birthday dad!]

seventy.nine.

cori made me a cd with various versions of the song "hallelujah." i'm excited to sit through it tonight whilst knitting. i'm hitting the hay early because i need to be at work by 5:30. be jealous.

times i have listened to joshua radin's i'd rather be with you: many.
times i have listened to matt kearney's where we gonna go from here: many.
times i have bit my nails this week: few.
times i have worked out this week: several.
books i am currently reading: two, almost three.
days until curt leaves: 21.
episodes of the new LOST season i've seen: one.
no. of wallets lost this week: one.
no. of wallets found this week: one. huzzah!

i have nothing more to say, but instead will share with you a bit of an entry from my moleskine, dated back about a week ago:

I drank the stalest water ever from a water bottle that's been sitting in my purse for far too long.
I'm on the train down to Palatine
& I have everything I need except a heavy jacket,
& the temperature is dropping.
A young man sits down the way. He wears a buttoned shirt with a grey cardigan.
He's reading a thick book, and his hair is so red that it seems orange.
It's a grey day, more grey than his cardigan & I think that birds look prettiest on days like these.
Whenever I'm on a train I always wonder about crashing and I always feel like writing.

going to go and make some tea and finish watching the second harry potter movie that my dad is currently watching/studying.

seventy.eight.

dear pandora radio,

thank you. your music selections are so fantastic & bring me joy/new musical favorites.

dear frigid march dawn,

i'm sorry i was so hostile this morning. i'm just in too much of a hurry for spring. thanks for the lovely sunrise despite my first grumblings. 

dear starbucks coffee,

i feel guilty when i stop by now. i like to think my coffee shop is superior [and by "my coffee shop" i am referring to the coffee shop where i am employed...]. however, there is a secret to your caramel macchiato that keeps me coming back. also: i feel classy saying caramel macchiato. 

my cousin elizabeth is coming up today. we shall have grand times. i think we'll make quiche. i love quiche. 

when i say resonate, what do you think of?

seventy.seven.

curt fancy-ed up my dashboard on the mac. now all i have to do is hit F12 and i can see the weather in Dublin. today is supposed to be nice. today would be a good day to visit Dublin.

i just drank the most revolting iced chai tea latte, and i payed an arm and a leg for it. ridiculous.

yesterday kanoa and i drove in the car together and listened to joe purdy and the wailin jenny's and jon foreman. we listened to "a mirror is much harder to hold" abbooouuut 14 times. also that wailin jenny's song that talks about the tree...whatsitcalled??
i like trees a lot. & i think tree tattoos are pretty.

sometimes i wish my name was sophie. sophie hope. i would neverever spell it sofi.

the other day, while walking out to my car at 5:30 in the morning to go to work, i saw a shooting star. it was big, too, and slow. i almost couldn't believe it. then i got scared and ran to my car. i don't know why, but it made me shiver. it's strange to see a shooting star in the morning.

i watched "To Kill A Mockingbird" yesterday with the fellow and his familia. I really like that movie. Scout & Jem are just the neatest little kids. I will have a Scout and a Jem. Maybe two of each.

sometimes when the sun is setting, i like to turn the other way. i think it's interesting to watch the darkness slip over so quietly. you miss it when you watch just the sun, you turn around and it's already there.

i was reading Life of Pi, but now i'm getting bored of it. i'm nearly halfway through. i might decide not to finish it, and i'll feel terrible about it because it is a pretty interesting book. maybe i'll just plow through. i've learned some interesting things, including fun facts about how disgusting hyenas are.

ho hum. i'm going outside in the sun. this strange guitar music in panera is annoying.

seventy.six.

I am listening to The Wailin Jenny's and laying on the floor because my body is tired of moving. I just danced for a long time. I like dancing. Also, I've become mildly addicted to the two Wailin Jenny's albums that I have, and when I'm feeling melancholy or quiet, I listen to The Swell Season. I have so much new music to listen to, but I just rediscovered these three albums and simply cannot get enough.

Yesterday was a lovely day, I do hope that you were out and enjoying it. The fellow and I went out and picnic-ed, then bought a kite and were very entertained with it for several hours. This was no ordinary charlie brown kite, but rather a jet-shaped kite with two handles. This hardcore kite could effectively twirl and swirl around, and also dive-bomb unsuspecting persons. I was almost impaled several times, and also nearly impaled Curt. Little did we know what a dangerous pastime kite-flying was, and we were lucky to make it out alive. It was grand times.

I've had an entry in my head for a while now, but somehow can't get it out. I can't even moleskine journal it. It's just locked up inside and refuses to have words shape it. This is vexing.

We played lots of Irish music in the coffee shop for the days leading up to St. Patricks Day. There is something so charming about the flute & fiddle & banjo & bagpipes, lilting voices singing a soft ballad or some brash pub song. It was just fantastic. Now we're back to "alternative" which is nice. We play David Gray, Dave Matthews, Colbie Caillat, Joe Purdy and Iron & Wine...and muchas more. It's good music.

I smell.
[bad.]

Elena, my russian boss at the coffee house, is so funny. I always laugh when she swears, I can't help it. She'll get all in a huff about something and swear with such feeling. She has all these random quotes and sayings, it's so unexpected and hilarious.

Sometimes i really like sad songs, even when i'm not sad. sometimes i wish i was sad more often, so that i could sing these songs and be really dramatic and it would be like i was in a movie.

[confession: sometimes when a sad song plays on my ipod and i'm driving, i pretend like i'm in a movie, in which that song would play on the soundtrack.
i will pretend that i'm running for my life to another state or was brutally kicked out or someone died or something equally dramatic.
my character just drives and burst into tears with the most perfect song playing in the background.
it's crazy fun.
& now i have the added bonus of knowing precisely what song to play if any of these things ever happen.]

i am learning how to knit. it's great. the other day i sat on my front porch swing with a big blanket and knitted, then called it a night at 9:00. i'm the oldest 20 year old ever. i love my life.

the other day lauren hunnie and i sang "one voice" together & it was amazing.

seventy.five.

the other day two men came into work and asked about us getting televisions. we might get televisions and play the news. the guys said that if we got televisions they could just stay in there all day. without televisions they sat uncomfortably on the edges of their seats and didn't know what to do with themselves, and left after several minutes. they weren't able to just sit and be or read or write or do something that didn't require a television/computer screen. they couldn't even talk to each other.

i thought that was a bit sad.

i wouldn't like to be one of those people who couldn't sit by myself comfortably.

today has been one of those days. i'd like to talk about it, but i'm not sure where to start.

just one of those days, my mind complicates things and i get all worried and such. 

i tend to think about a lot of things, and this week i thought about too much and couldn't get it sorted out right.

i just listened to "make your own kind of music" and now i feel better.

this is why i like simplicity so much, because i have to work harder at it. generally, the things you have to work harder for i think turn out the best. 

[but it's so much easier to make things complex.]

do say root like boot or foot? i mean the O's. it's a tough one...

mynailsaregettinglonger&that'salli'mgoingtosayaboutthat.

seventy.four.

i am beginning no nail biting: week one. it began yesterday.

i know that i am repetitive with the subject of nail biting, but i can't help it. i write about things in my life. nail biting is something in my life. 

perhaps you think that i should write about other things in my life, and skip the nail biting parts.

& you think there are probably other things to talk about.

you would be right, there probably are other things.

but isn't redundancy nice, sometimes? there is something nice and secure about the ongoing struggle to not bite my nails.

i was talking to the fellow, and was telling him of all the things i had planned for tonight. i've got the house to myself and need only to do the dishes. the evening is mine! it all sounded so nice on the phone, but as soon as i hung up i grew lazy and languid and have been only sitting on the couch.

this is unacceptable. 

it doesn't even feel great, it feels like much wasted time.

so i decided to waste time and write about biting my nails, something i do when i'm bored.

this entry is beginning to look more and more pitiful. 

elliot smith is playing on pandora. a boy that i never work here at blastacinno likes elliot smith, it's his favorite artist. when we were in training he tried to play it for everyone, with only e.t. head man really paying him any mind. 

now it is damien rice and i always like damien rice.

i've been reading this book called "Vintage Jesus." i like it. i feel like i would need to read it again, though. 

i want to read "East of Eden" again, it's just pretty long. I really liked that book. I owe the recommendation to Frank. I owe several things to Frank. Thank you, Frank.

today at blastaccino a lady came in who was so breezy. you know when you see someone and instantly you think of a word for them and it just seems to encompass them entirely? she was just breezy, in a charming way. 

"what will i have what will i havvveee???" she stared at the menu, tossing her short hair just slightly. 

"oh! oh, i will definitely have a cafe au lait. i haven't had one in just eons."

we have the best people come in the coffeehouse.

curt listens to m. ward in the truck and i really like m. ward. i also just like driving in the truck with curt.

they are hiring at the coffeehouse now because a girl got fired. we have lost 3 employees in 2 months. excellent. anyone looking for a job? i was thinking about it, and i really absolutely & truly think that i have 3 of the best jobs that anyone could ever  have. i will list them for you.

1. Camp Paradise staff member. there is no better summer job.

2. Blastacinno. i remember back in the day thinking that it had to be a great job to work at a coffeehouse, and i was not wrong at all. it's a great job.

3. CYT. teaching theater classes to little kids who inform me that turtles can breathe through their butts? it cannot get much better.

seventy.three.

whaddya say whaddya say?

hey there now let's

kanoa is sleeping peacefully on the couch she's not supposed to be sleeping on.

i'm reading & thinking & writing

let us

it's late now, tonight.

we're all sleeping.

let's just up and

it comes as quite a surprise doesn't it?

whaddya say whaddya say?

let's

go.

no no, not really.

i feel like eating watermelons.

well, just take a snapshot.

what if it doesn't?

i won't.

will you be?

crazy questions

let us let us let us

there it goes now i've dropped the ball. 

have you?

whaddya say whaddya say?

well rawther...& i like piano keys.

"who are those people?"

hey.

it's late.

goodnight.

seventy.two.

Someday I will have time to update this again, for cereal.

Currently I am immersed in a production/working/possibly selling the house.

On the upside:

I have time to write in the moleskine at work sometimes, so the pages are gradually getting fuller.

Sometimes I even try to write poetry.

I like to pretend to write poetry.

[All I really do is put the words

and sentences

in separate lines.

like this.

then i put in some

creative?

metaphors

or strange visual comparisons.

and call it

poetry.

it works for me.]

Chris is watching Wanted and I am very unimpressed. 

This is partly because I saw this main actor in that other movie he was in, Atonement, and I thought he was creepy and strange.

Do you know that it's sad to not perform any more? I like watching everyone onstage, but sometimes I wish I was just one of the chorus kids again who would not be paying any attention but would also kind of think they are the star...

seventy.one.

seventy one. not bad.

i wonder what i'll be like at seventy one years old.

today i was making a granita at work [it's like a frappacino] and the blender exploded on me.

that was so fun. it went everywhere. on me, the counter, the floor. 

the man was nice about it. i made him a new one. actually, i cleaned up. the two other girls made him a new one.

it bothers my Dad that i write in lower case letters on the internet. 

[note: i capitalized the D in Dad]

when i say bothers i don't mean BOTHERS. 

it's just...one of those things.

he feels that it's a destruction of the English language.

[note: i capitalized the E in English]

he feels that it's like when people talk quickly on the internet and the substitute "u" for "you" and "ur" for "your/you're." substituting numbers for words, so on and so forth. 

when a language is destroyed, obviously the intellect of the people speaking the language begins to decline.

isn't this in 1984? right right?

well. sometimes i can't help it. i will try to speak in full words and sentences.

sometimes, however, something just calls for a sentence fragment.

a sentence calls to begin with "and." 

sometimes, blog entries look better when written all in lower case. 

i think so, anyhow. 

seventy.

i think conversations start out like old skin.

like callused skin.
rough & worn.
[hi. howareyou. mydaywasgood.]
if we are brave enough
we slough it off.
we find underneath our brand new skin
raw & honest & tender.

did i mention that i had a Mac?
i do now. i am the co-owner of a MacBook [tai owns the other half].
everyone always tells me that they are so great and so easy, but it really does take some getting used to. i feel as if i like it just because everyone tells me i should.
but i'm sure i will like it at some point for serious, when i stop trying to run it like it's a Dell.
it's like back in olden times when i would wear ambercrombie or whatnot clothes that were far too small/big, just because they were THE brand.
ok, so maybe not quite like that... [but sort of].

i rode on the train this week. i love train rides. while looking out my smudgy window, i saw a deer lying in the snow next to the tracks. it was so sudden i almost thought i'd imagined it. the deer looked so calm and composed. unfazed. as if she watches the 1:35 train to Chicago everyday. I wrote this piece of information down in my journal as noteworthy, and also tried to change the shape of my E's, but was not satisfied in the least.
While leaning against the train window, i began to think of what else has touched my window. There are the nose smudges & snot from a four year old, craning and pressing his pudgy face to the glass to see the city. Also, the drool of the drunk man who fell asleep on the train last Saturday with his head resting on my window [i wonder why he was drunk]. Fingerprints are scattered from those people who point at interesting sights [i wonder what they were pointing at?]. To my window I added sock residue & prints, because i propped my feet up there.

[the thing is: i'm not afraid. & that is just the best and worst thing.]

At work this morning a couple sat at a table hardly talking. The buzzer on the oven went off and they both jumped, partially because it scared them, and i think partially because they were eager for the distraction from the silence that separated them. it was sad.
but the music was good this morning, and the business was relatively slow. we got a mad rush at one point [a mad rush equals about 5 people], and the first man came in and boisterously ordered "the biggest-ass hot chocolate" we could make.
look at the menu, buddy. it's called a large.
We've had two English accented people, both women, who ordered during my shift. i loved them.

why can't i stick with capitals or not capitals? i swerve back and forth between them like mad.

have you read/heard of the book "The Shack?" Thoughts?

i found a book on Ireland for 4 dollars. what a steal! my fellow purchased it for me, and then later drove it all the way to the train station 5 minutes before my train to drop it off for me, so that i could read it on the way home. he is nice. [although i didn't read it but merely clutched it the whole way back. i was too terrified to do anything because i thought that i was going to get kicked off the train because i had no money. no worries, i made it safely home and was not arrested upon arrival as i feared.]

i took a power nap today. i love power naps.
i also cleaned out my attic a little. i found some really lovely fashion trends that i thought were cool when i was sixteen or so. i'm not sure why i kept these. i have a creeping suspicion it was because i thought i might wear them again. well, they are going now. i also found an old script that kevin wrote, a take off of the matrix. i was to play vera. apparently the movie fell apart [or they filmed it without me], but in the script i was supposed to do an eyebrow raise with just one eyebrow, and i practiced that very diligently. it's really the only reason that i can do it today. this script is the only reason that i subconciously whipped out the one eyebrow for my license picture and effectively made sure that i would not suffer from vanity on account of that photograph.

this is longer than i had planned. why must i prattle on?

sixty.nine.

there are days with weights

not often

but sometimes.

kanoa just burped in my face and it smelled like death.

sometimes when i read poetry, i feel like it's written in a whole different language, but it's a language that i get. 

does that make sense?

maybe not.

i need to make a new hat. my fellow says that i am big on hats, and i suppose that this is true. there's just something so comforting about a hat. 

[just like there is something so comforting about peanut butter sandwiches.]

it's funny how sometimes i find comfort in different things. 

sometimes i find comfort in being alone

totally solitary and quiet. 

feeling so small.

it's comforting.

[why?]

other times it's when i'm with someone

or someones. 

it's comforting to be close and near. 

maybe: something so simple as a presence.

isn't it always the simplest? 

[why?]

well for now i'll just hold it at arms length.

you could take it if you tried.

kanoa just threw up. gross.

i had a question. shoot.

sixty.eight.

you know who has just stellar songs/lyrics? bob dylan.

you will be sad to find out that E.T. head man from my new job was let go.
i was sad to discover this
and also a little relieved.
imagine if we had to open the store together?
although i'm pretty sure i could take him if he tried to attack me and lead me back to the mother ship, it would be an interesting experience.
my dad saw him and thought he looked like someone off of a sexual predator list.
is this mean?
i apologize.
it's true though. you don't know until you've seen him. you would be thinking the same thing.

i am drinking mint hot chocolate with a biscotti. it is very nice. also, the ice maker is tapping out a beat, tapping along with the shins. it sounds like someone is locked in my freezer.

i start work at 5:30am tomorrow and also thursday and friday, which means i have to wake up at 4:30. this is ridiculous. i rarely go to bed before midnight. how am i going to live my life? 5:30 is probably going to be my regular shift, too. when will i ever sleep? in order to get my 8 hours of sleep i will have to go to bed at 8:30. i know four-year olds who go to bed later...

sometimes i find myself comparing my life to the lives of others too often. who they are with and who they know. where they go. what they do. what they wear. what they say and think.
if i just stop and think of it, i know that i have a really grand life, and need not size it up to yours.

i just ate another biscotti.

hey now. let's play the song over again.
i'd rather not go just yet.

sixty.seven.

i have now seen the ocean.

[ok, well technically it's the gulf, but i do believe that it's enough of the same for me to say that i've seen the ocean.]

also, dolphins. and pelicans.

this is really knocking some big things off of my list of things to do before i die. 

i can no longer crinkle my nose because i am sunburned.

this is a delicious feeling for january 5th. :]]