forty.five.

ho-hum.
i like the word grey.
i like what it makes me think of.
grey.
grey.
grey.
grey looks like blankets and books and train rides.
it looks like baking and movies and reading old journals.
grey sounds like norah jones and jon foreman and john mayer and soundtracks.
grey feels like a big sweater and a big hug and freshly painted toenails.
grey looks like your eyes when they are soft and sleepy.
it tastes like cookie dough and croissants with jelly.
grey.
[not gray.
that's completely different.]

there is this complicated balance between
respect
&
honesty.
being vulnerable
&
being guarded.
that's what i'm thinking of lately.
how to find that balance.
perhaps i complicate it too much.
over-analyze and second guess.
simplicity is key.
[it always is.]

had a splendid time in michigan with friends and family.
i love michigan.
i failed at the pit spitting contest
and the egg toss contest
and the dune jumping [face plant].
i rocked at eating a boomchunka ice cream sundae.
and i rocked the sundress.
[i love a good sundress.]
[or 27 good sundresses.]
there are not many things better than the quaint towns and interesting people you will find in michigan.
michigan also has killer coffee shops that make good blueberry lemon scones.
you know what else i love?
tim allen talking about michigan.
every time those commercials come on the radio i turn them up as loud as my favorite song.

ho hum.
must go and help my father finish a piece of artwork.
wish me luck.

-christina

p.s. i didn't know that you could "add gadgets" to your blogger profile. there are way too many. i got lost and decided not to add any. simplicity...

forty.four.

it's good to be home.
and have the internet back.
although, there is a lot of good things about no internet.
it's really a toss-up.
i very much did enjoy that month and a half without it.
the thing i most missed was being able to check the weather.
[i think that was the only thing i missed.]
i just abuse it back home.
self-control!
that's the name of the game.
and not just with computer time.
this could also extend to:
nail-biting
exercising
eating healthy [we have ice cream in the freezer and it's been torture not to dip into it every time i pass it]
getting enough sleep
unproductive thought patterns

to sum up:
self-control is something that could be implemented in my daily life on many counts.

today, got stuck in traffic on my way to barnes & noble and it was so incredibly hot. our car has no a/c. i practiced self-control and did not get angry at rude drivers or the awful heat, but instead stuck as much of my body as possible out of the window and listened to the cool vibes of Wilco.
wretched car ride turns into soothing sauna [unfortunately with no shower at the end].

got to barnes & noble later than expected and lost all self-control because instead of picking up interesting, intelligent, furthering of my knowledge book, or writing journal entry full of sparkling wit and intellect, i picked up crummy magazine that made me feel like a failure in terms of how often i get haircuts and what kind of shoes i wear/buy, plus i already felt awesomely attractive because of sauna experience. however, after closing my magazine i cow-girled up and felt much better when a small boy flirted shamelessly with me. He kept pushing his stroller closer to me, and then trying to hand me random objects from his table, like napkins. His mom told me that he wanted to take me for a spin in the stroller, and i said anytime.
bummed around and peeked inside a few books that were displayed by the front door, and then rushed out to pick tai up from dance classes.
the drive home was a lot cooler. i put just my hand out the window.
i love driving. driving with tai is always full of fun too.

earlier today i stopped by harper to figure out some stuff for classes.
i'm excited for this next semester.
i think i always say that but it's true.
fall semester is muchas fun.
the weather is good. it's AUTUMN for crying out loud, only the best time of the year.
i take that back.
i love the whole year.
autumn is just very near and dear to my heart.
why? i don't know.
anyhow, saw a surprise person at harper.
ran the other way.
ha. ha.
i think i'm a little socially awkward.
certain people i just don't know how to greet.
so i just run away.
it's my homeschool upbringing.
when in doubt: run away or point.
[just kidding. but seriously.]

i only had ONE SPOONFUL of ice cream today, so i think i will allow myself a small dish.
it's too good not to.
and if i don't, someone else will.
and then there will be none left for me.
i feel like this entry was a muddled booku of stuffs.
first entry back and all....
anyhow, have a superb evening. :]

-christina

forty. three.

take this sinking boat and point it home
we've still got time.

today i downloaded some piano music online. i'm not sure if it's illegal to download free sheet music, but it's very very handy. i'm so excited. except i leave in ten days for camp, and then i won't be home for a month and a half, so i really won't be able to play it very much. that's unfortunate.
[note, i wrote this part as a draft, and then never finished it. so now the dates are a little false, because it's only 2 days until i leave.]

today: cleaned much of the day. honestly, i love a good cleaning. i dread it until i must actually do it, and then getting down and scrubbing the bathroom floor is very refreshing and enjoyable. it's true.

honestly, i feel as if i have too much to say. too much has happened in these past few weeks. when i look back it just seems huge. half my life has been squashed and mooshed together into this past month. incredible. and now i leave so soon for camp-a-roo-ski, a.k.a. camp paradise. it just never stops. but at least it'll slow down a little, up at camp.
ah, i can't wait.

And how many times I'd be lost in the sea
If you weren't there to rescue me

i finished getting camp supplies and such today. i just need stamps. it's fun buying random little things, like new chapstick or pens or disposable cameras.
i need to figure out which books to bring.

looking forward to:
washing dishes.
quiet evenings.
cooking.
coronado nights.
bonfires.
hemp.
chilly mornings.
a new set of staff shirts.
o goodness, can't even begin to say what else. the list goes on and on and on. i honestly have a booku of things flooding my head just now.

maybe slightly dreading:
bugs.
bug bites.
more bugs.
missing the amazing recovery of miss beth.
missing the possible death of mr. smiggles.
forgetting something hugely important.
missing coldplay album release.
missing john mayer and colbie caillat.
missing tai's dance classes.
missing the opening of Dark Knight.
otherwise, you know, i'm good. and the good things pretty much totally cancel out the cons.

It's so simple, and fitting
The path that you are on

OH. almost finished with "Sense and Sensibility." Am feeling muchas confident about ending strong. I actually very much enjoyed this book, moreso than i thought i would. i always figured the story of Pride and Prejudice would be my very favorite, or Persuasion, but after reading this book i am finding it creeping to the top of the list.
i love some of the language in the book. for instance, they use the word "monstrous" all the time, to put emphasis on something in particular.
"she's monstrous pretty."
"he has a monstrous fortune."
it's just funny. can't you just see one of those older obnoxious lady characters saying it? i love it. i might have to add it my vocabulary, slowly slip that in there.

Crave the light, and brave the light,
Stare the light,
And share the light...

anyhow. i best be off. it's getting monstrous late. i've got some busy next two days...
it'll be some wonderful times ahead. don't forget about me. :]]

see you again on the 23rd of July,
christina

forty.two.

if the serving size is correct on the coffee ice cream carton then i ate enough for 3 1/2 people tonight.

and oh.

it was wonderful.

-christina

forty.one.

[let's pretend we're in the middle of a conversation, and i am filling you in on what you've missed.]
::note:: i don't talk exactly like this in real life speaking.

but truly and honestly, a lack of sleep and a great increase in driving time has lead to a certain amount of extra thinking time.
this extra thinking time has brought interesting results, including:
moments of great peace
moments of great anger
moments of happiness that my horn doesn't work in my car, because of furious pounding
more peaceful moments.
also whilst driving this dragon came down
hovered over my car
but then flew on, destroying small villages.
don't worry, no one was harmed...

[that was a good conversation, thanks. i left out a lot, and then started rambling. i wasn't sure if you were listening.]

my middle name is hope.
i try and live up to it.
lately i've been discovering that i need to rearrange where i place hope.
[forgive, in advance, an overabundance of girlish fancies.]
here is what i hope for, mostly--
a marriage and family and a home [perhaps a vacation home in Ireland].
and all the promise and struggles that holds.
it's just about that simple.
and if i'm having a down day, or feeling wretched i'll console myself with this idealistic vision of my future.
and if i'm unsure and unstable, i'll remind myself what is waiting for me, if only i have patience.
i know this is what i want. i know this is what i've always wanted. whatever else shifts and changes, this remains constant.
this is really awful, and you will laugh at this. if you don't, you should, because it's pure silliness. ok... at the end of pirates 3 [i know] she sits and scans the horizon and waits for his ship to come in. [there we go - now wait for my comparison]. i like that. i figure that's me, at this point. and i feel like that, like i want to sit and wait for signs of your sail out on the water.
i've touched on this. the waiting game.
what am i waiting for?

the other day i was talking to my dad, and he was going on about a somewhat-usual topic, on the world and how we're headed for destruction, and how easily marriages fall apart, and how worried he is for us. and i tell him that it all sounds rather hopeless. and he says that it's not, because we as Christians simply place our hope in Christ, that is where our hope lies.
at the time, i was all: good story dad.
but then thinking later on it, i realized that i've been placing my hope in this really flimsy dream of my future, laying out my own path. and even though i feel like God has ordained me for this purpose, to be a wife and mother, combined with artsy bohemian gypsy, i can't really know/wait on that. you know? [although i will continue with artsy bohemian gypsy-esque portrait, man or no.]
and i think the reason why i've been beating up on my steering wheel and feeling rather hopeless and forlorn at times [though i don't want to make it sound like this has been me for the past few weeks, because there really have been some glorious times, a.k.a. whenever i'm at shows] is because all of my hope being channeled into this idea or vision that is non-existent.

i've been reading psalm 27 for a while now, and somehow never noticed the last verses:
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And he shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
[exclamation point]

well. what am i waiting for?

-christina

forty.

can this blog now be classified as over the hill? ha.

[by the by, humphrey is my imaginary friend.]

this has been a most interesting week, filled with interesting news and papers and people and conversations.
the dictionary definition of interesting is as follows:
engaging or exciting and holding the attention or curiosity.

however, i also have my own definition, which is something like:
interesting - a word you use when you don't know how to respond.
that's basically where i'm at on some points. not necessarily in a bad way, mind. just in a curious way. like: hm, don't know quite how i feel.

nevertheless, i had a grand time at rehearsals this weekend.
[although my tye-dye shirt is ugly as all heck.]

i hate roadkill.
for some reason i always look at roadkill.
it makes me shudder every time.

i often sing the praises of rosie thomas. i like "wedding day" currently. that's some days, in a nutshell.
also really loving this old 70's song "Longer." not at all connected to rosie thomas, just found it on a random collection of songs compiled by Hallmark, and entitled "Free Spirit."
yes, the title is what nabbed me. i'll admit. a lot of the songs are good, but "Your So Vain" makes me nauseous. no thank you.

what is this waiting game we play?

i'm inclined to join

because i know that i'm waiting for something really amazing.

[right...?]

but what do i sacrifice to wait?

i can't have the mindset that i'm waiting for life to really kick in.

because that's been done before

and ended disastrously, as we know.

it's this balance

[as all things are]

of waiting for that thing

but also accepting the here and now

and not only accepting but embracing

while still preparing.

and that's where i'm at,

i think.

waiting

and embracing.

-christina

thirty.nine.

We don't know his name.
Telling stories of nameless people is far more difficult, because we associate a name with a story and a life. Those without names, such as the people in line at the grocery store or the driver in the car next to us, are often forgotten.
But those without names have their stories written in the lines of their face
and the calluses on their hands
and the way they rub their left knee when it rains.
Occasionally, a face sticks out and takes longer to forget.
Suddenly you'll think of it, the face will flash in your mind. While you're washing dishes or waking up from a dream it'll come to you, a small thread of thought you can't quite hold onto.
Our mystery man has this sort of face.
But it's hard to tell the story of the man with the glasses and the hair in his eyes who wears a smoking jacket type of blazer, because this would then be called:
"The man with the glasses and the hair in his eyes who wears a smoking jacket type of blazer's story."
So we will call him Humphrey,
and this,
ergo,
will be "Humphrey's Story."
_________________________

Ireland - Spring 2009

yesyes i do hope so. costs are beginning to go up, passport, various shots and such, but plans are underway.

i just need to figure out who i'm going with. [going solo sounds like muchas fun, but is merely a lofty dream.]

-christina